Valentines Day Public Health Update

This parody advertisement of the Pfizer Covid vaccination is a 'sure-shot' way to make your partner happy this Valentine's Day.

 

To the Wesleyan community,

Greetings. Today I write to commend you on your solitude (so far, read on) on this day usually reserved for displays of affection, even love. That being said, the administration understands the toll the suppression of sexuality takes on the developing mind and has been hard at work with local and state officials to reach a compromise on your behalf.

HALLOWEEN COSTUME SUBMISSION 2020!!!

Duh

How is it that Spooky Season is upon us??? Wasn’t it just April???? 

Just like every fucking other thing in our lives, Halloween is going to look a bit different this year. Gone is the opportunity to wear lingerie and call it a costume while walking around in sub-thirty degree weather, and chasing a shot down with fun sized candy bars loses a bit of its luster when you can only do it alone in your dorm.

Wesleying to the rescue! As we have in years past, we’re giving you the opportunity to showcase your Halloween lewks! Submit a picture of your costume here, and then we’ll feature you in a post later in the week. Bonus points if your costume is… topical to the current situation, or if you find a clever way to incorporate your mask. Socially distant/COVID-podded costumes also welcome!

Heartbreak at Red and Black Cafe

 

I don’t just like Red & Black Cafe. I love it. (If I don’t love it, I don’t swallow.) Not only does R&B have smoothies, but it’s the only place on the whole goddamn campus where I can order breakfast before 11:00 a.m.

But R&B has made A Change that causes me unimaginable pain. My head steams like a freshly-pressed Tomato Panino. And my heart feels like a tomato in said panino, suffocating within a prison of bread and delicious melted cheese.

Hot Take: New England Fall Actually Sucks

 

When I first told people that I had decided on Wesleyan (and then explained to them what/where Wesleyan is, I swear to god, nobody has ever heard of this school), they would say “Oh wow, fall is going to be so beautiful up there! You’re so lucky!” I entered my freshman year with a fervent anticipation of the legendary New England Autumn. I allowed myself to get swept up in the hype and the beautiful foliage. But now, in my junior year, I’m at home for the semester, and I can say definitively that New England fall actually SUCKS.

Ranking Green Fictional Characters According to Their Relevance in My Life

 

1. Shrek – (obviously)

2. Mike Wazowski

3. The Geico Gecko – (Save 15% or more on car insurance?)

4. Gamora from Guardians of the Galaxy

5. Disgust from Inside Out – (quiet literally a mood)

6. Larry the Cucumber from Veggie Tales – For your viewing pleasure

7. Oscar the Grouch – “You’d be a grouch, too, if you lived in a trash can!”

8. The aliens from Toy Story that say “the clawwwww”

9. The Hulk (not bruce banner) – Spoiler alert his secret is that he’s always angry

10. The Green M&M – iykyk

11. Wicked Witch of the West/Elphaba

12. Kermit the Frog – Brings light to the difficulties of being green in this economy

12. Rex from Toy Story – “I don’t like confrontations!”

14. The Grinch

15. Yoda – “There is no try”

16. Flubber

17. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – I honestly dk

18. Toad from Frog and Toad

19. The Green Care Bear

20. The Green Giant

21. Gumby

Black Squirrels: A Scientific Perspective

We’ve all seen them. We’ve all talked about them. We’ve even written about them. Wesleyan’s black squirrel population is a source of pride, fear, and gossip for the student body.  Despite their fame, we have never known the true origin story of the black squirrel. Until now. Just last year, a team of scientists from the UK and America published their study on the biological source behind this unique coloration. I’ve compiled all the important information below the cut, but I’ll give you a sneak peek here: it’s because these squirrels fuck.