By popular request

You guys would tell me if you got sick of me posting plushies, right? …Riiiight?

Anyways, these babies are old news, but considering that college dormitories are really just giant incubators’o’sick, it’s still sort of relevant. Sort of. Okay, maybe it’s not at all, but I’m a science major*, so I’m going to post giant microbes and all y’all humanities folks can take your Ayn Rand and shove it.

But right, so, Thinkgeek sells diseases of the polyester-blend sort. Because if you’re going to be surrounded by germs 24/7, they might as well be cuddle-worthy. Here are a few with which you might get aquainted in the next four years:

Stomachache: No one knows which deep, dark corner of Mocon these guys call their home. Could it be the sandwich line guacamole? Or maybe the questionable cottage cheese in the salad bar? My bet is on the lox that they spread on rice and tried to pass off as sushi during the “cultural” Christmas dinner.

The Flu: A.K.A. the one bug I always manage to catch during winter finals, leaving me trekking to the science center through a foot of snow at midnight wearing five layers of sweaters, carrying three textbooks, dragging along a fleece blanket and clutching a hot water bottle to my stomach while wondering in my robotussin-induced stupor, “If I get hit by a bus, will I still have to take my exam?“. Me? Bitter? Noooo.

Pimple: Proof that puberty, at least for some people, does not end when your armpit hair stops growing in. Finally, you can embrace your acne instead of dumping chemicals on it. Go on, give it a squeeze.

(Did you laugh? Okay, fuck you too.)

Bad Breath: So you have something to blame for not getting any make-out action at the Tomb last night.

Mono: …Or if you did manage to hook up, now’s the time to suffer the consequences. (See also: Gonorrhea, Syphilis, HIV**)

And finally, the most notorious Wesleyan bug of all:

The Bookworm: This is the kid in your class who says “Dostoyevsky” more often than “gesundheit”; the one who reads things like this instead of People Magazine at the beach and works through their Organic Chemistry textbook over summer for shits and giggles (I’M LOOKING AT YOU, LAINA). You love them, you hate them, maybe you are them. In which case I don’t know whether to pat you on the back or punch you in the mouth***.

*Neuroscience and Behavior, represent!
**HIV is not funny, go get tested, etc
***I’m not a bitch, I swear. Bless you bookworms, you give me hope for the future. But come on–Organic chemistry?!?!

(P.S. Humanities majors, do not fret–They make toys for you, too. Here, have a Nietzsche; or would you prefer Virginia Woolf?)

Holly adds: Two popular Wesleyan diseases not represented in the plush are gastroenteritis and rabies as mentioned in our Dorm Living FAQZ. I have taken it upon myself as a public service to show you what they would look like using my awesome mspaint skillz.

Or as Xue views it…