Radar Names Cornell Worst Ivy

Worst Ivy League University: Cornell University

Despite persistent rumors to the contrary, Cornell’s suicide rate turns out to be no higher than the national average. But over the years, low academic satisfaction, an oppressive Greek system, and a boring host town, have inspired dozens of depressed students to hurl themselves over campus gorges, earning Cornell a reputation as the worst of the Ivies.

Illustrious Alumni: Failed Senate candidate and drunk-driving enthusiast Pete Coors; right-wing performance artist Ann Coulter (right); lecherous lip-flapper Bill Maher.

Notable Course: Post-National Gastroidentities. An excerpt from the class description: “We will attempt to answer the question of how food, cuisine, and gastronomy play an important part both in the strategies to instrument normalcy through the imagination of the modern Nation-State, and the ways in which discourses affirming nation, race, ethnicity, hospitality, the universality of humanity, interact with each other fragmenting the national gastronomic field and undermining the unpolluted self-understanding of the modern Nation-State.”

Raw Data: Of all the Ivies, Cornell has the lowest incoming SAT scores, the highest acceptance rate (27 percent), and the lowest academic satisfaction among students, which makes it America’s Best Safety School.

School Pride: “I haven’t overheard a single intellectual conversation in three years, unless it was between Indian or Asian students,” writes an architecture major on Students Review.

Fun Fact: According to a survey on College Prowler, Cornell has the ugliest girls in the Ivy League. In fact, it ranks close to dead last in the country. So when students here get together for a “study session,” they actually study.

Tuition: $32,800 plus room and board.

(source: radar magazine)

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