The Perfect Bacon Sandwich

N = C + {fb(cm) · fb(tc)} + fb(Ts) + fc · ta

Ideally, Danish Bacon said, 0.4 newtons should be applied to crunch the sandwich, creating 0.5 decibels of noise. The formula uses these values: N = force in newtons; fb is the function of the bacon type; fc is the function of the condiment or filling effect; Ts is the serving temperature; tc is cooking time; ta is the time taken to insert the condiment or filling; cm is the cooking method and C represents the breaking strain in newtons of uncooked bacon.

Heart attack yet? No? Read this:

In the experiment, some of the tasters sampled between four and six bacon sandwiches a day for three or four days.

OMG.

From here.