Summer was never a particularly fun time for me. Part of being a poor wretch of a kid meant I’ve gotten the chance to work a variety of menial summer jobs pretty much every summer since…forever. From dishwasher to soda jerk to waitress to camp counselor to horribly oppressed intern in the sweltering oblivion we call a capital, you name it, I’ve probably done it and got paid minimum wage or less to do it. In fact, with the notable and wonderful exception of that summer right before college when I came down with acute appendicitis, I think I’ve pretty always had a pretty crappy summer job. (In all honesty and without exaggeration, I look back on The Summer of Unlimited Netflix Rentals and Limited Torso Movement as the best summer of my life.)
But despite it all, I’ve always tried to come away from my summers having learned new, possibly valuable but surely unmarketable life skills. Like how to tell where someone is from by whether they call those chocolate things on ice cream cones jimmies or sprinkles (they’re jimmies). Or how to stop the bleeding when a 10-year-old slices halfway into his thumb with a glass cutter.
Anyway, since this is probably the first summer since TSUNRLTM I’m actually not working a menial crap job, I’m going to dedicate part of my summer to learning really ridiculous skills.
Thus, Avoiding Summer Inanity: Part I*