Bon Appetit: Trying too hard since 2007

Sharp-eyed submitter Mark Procter ’10 gave us a nudge in the direction of the new Campus Dining website.

Three words: FULL OF WIN. Where do I start? More importantly, where does it end?

Crappy similes…

“Much more than just beans, rice and tofu, our vegan and vegetarian selections will be as varied as the world’s cultures.”

Crappy diction…

“This round grill sizzles its way to center stage as it elevates exhibition style cooking to heroic heights.”

“In may restaurants and cafés today, communal ovens continue to be at the heart of the community.”

CREEPY diction…

“Our house-made spreads are sure to give your choice of sandwich a tasty surprise. “

And the downright indescribable/vaguely exploitative…

“At our Kosher platform, Jewish tradition and culture will be celebrated daily in the food we cook and food we present as it did when these foods graced Jewish tables across the ages at holidays, rituals, festivals, and in everyday meals.”

“Our kosher selection will be under the Rabbinic supervision of Rabbi David Leipziger and will be a happy marriage of the observance of the highest Kashrut practices with Bon Appétit’s culinary expertise and commitment to flavor, variety and cultural legacy.

Still in doubt? Eat oven vomit!

“From the oven’s mouth comes a constant flow of foods, savory or sweet.”

A for effort, I guess?

(Mark sent in the site, bitchiness is mine. It’s going to be a long summer.)

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16 thoughts on “Bon Appetit: Trying too hard since 2007

  1. Anonymous

    You gotta realize, though, that these companies are expected to write about cafeteria food. What the fuck would YOU say?I agree though, it’s hilarious.

  2. Anonymous

    You gotta realize, though, that these companies are expected to write about cafeteria food. What the fuck would YOU say?

    I agree though, it’s hilarious.

  3. Gizmo

    you kids weren’t around for the abortive “real food on campus” campaign, were you? R-FOC was just such a great acronym…-esb

  4. Gizmo

    you kids weren’t around for the abortive “real food on campus” campaign, were you? R-FOC was just such a great acronym…

    -esb

  5. Anonymous

    Yeah, as soon as I saw “our vegan and vegetarian selections will be as varied as the world’s cultures” I decided to abandon all hope. Over-wrought metaphors and fancy names for basic things does not good food make. Fire your marketer and focus on making sure the food is good.

  6. Anonymous

    Yeah, as soon as I saw “our vegan and vegetarian selections will be as varied as the world’s cultures” I decided to abandon all hope. Over-wrought metaphors and fancy names for basic things does not good food make. Fire your marketer and focus on making sure the food is good.

  7. Anonymous

    I love how they play up bangers and mash as some kind of exotic delicacy. What next, cheese on toast? (Add a dash of French and it becomes “fromage sur le pain grillé” – C’est fantastique!).”Because soup is not a meal alone, we will always offer and display the best accompaniments: grated cheeses, crusty rolls, hearty breads and spicy croutons to stand up to the heartiest of chowders.”Not to mention a hearty offering of superfluous, hearty adjectives!”Our salad station will feature a variety of greens grown locally and organically and will be the area where vegetarians and vegans can find alternative means of proteins to supplement their dietary needs, Tofu, Seitan, Tempeh and a variety of beans always bought dried and house cooked.”Hurray for alternative means of syntax! “Our to-order organic pasta and pizza selections will be made fresh daily with the excellence of this station being the defined nuances and dedication to the best plate of pasta and personalized pizzas possible.”Try saying that ten times fast! I’d also like to note that whoever coined the phrase “defined nuances” has a true genius for obfuscation – seriously, can anyone else think of a better way of saying “you can’t change jack, buddy” while giving the impression of saying the exact opposite?While I can’t wait to actually try the food, this dining overview is pure comedy gold.

  8. Anonymous

    I love how they play up bangers and mash as some kind of exotic delicacy. What next, cheese on toast? (Add a dash of French and it becomes “fromage sur le pain grillé” – C’est fantastique!).

    “Because soup is not a meal alone, we will always offer and display the best accompaniments: grated cheeses, crusty rolls, hearty breads and spicy croutons to stand up to the heartiest of chowders.”

    Not to mention a hearty offering of superfluous, hearty adjectives!

    “Our salad station will feature a variety of greens grown locally and organically and will be the area where vegetarians and vegans can find alternative means of proteins to supplement their dietary needs, Tofu, Seitan, Tempeh and a variety of beans always bought dried and house cooked.”

    Hurray for alternative means of syntax!

    “Our to-order organic pasta and pizza selections will be made fresh daily with the excellence of this station being the defined nuances and dedication to the best plate of pasta and personalized pizzas possible.”

    Try saying that ten times fast! I’d also like to note that whoever coined the phrase “defined nuances” has a true genius for obfuscation – seriously, can anyone else think of a better way of saying “you can’t change jack, buddy” while giving the impression of saying the exact opposite?

    While I can’t wait to actually try the food, this dining overview is pure comedy gold.

  9. Anonymous

    okkkk…..yes, the writing is terrible. but that doesn’t mean anything in terms of what the service/food itself is going to be like. all it means is that whoever wrote that page is a terrible writer. or at least a very cheesy one.

  10. Anonymous

    okkkk…..yes, the writing is terrible. but that doesn’t mean anything in terms of what the service/food itself is going to be like. all it means is that whoever wrote that page is a terrible writer. or at least a very cheesy one.

  11. Mark

    damn… I didn’t realize it was that bad when I sent the link.”eat oven vomit!” = brilliance

  12. Mark

    damn… I didn’t realize it was that bad when I sent the link.

    “eat oven vomit!” = brilliance

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