Administration to “make Wes normal” over the summer

the butt tunnels: RIP

South College:

The administration gave the go-ahead to a top secret plan this morning called “Operation Make Wesleyan Normal,” set to begin in late May, immediately after senior week.

An anonymous tipper informs us that the plan includes:
painting over the butt tunnels (again)
closing WestCo cafe
bulldozing the tomb
making Eclectic the new admissions building
replacing the heat-sensitive detectors with smoke-sensitive detectors in the foss dorms
possibly flattening Foss Hill, and much more…
Our anonymous tipper writes, “This is bullshit. I think it’s obvious that they’re doing this over the summer so we won’t be here to protest. Spread the word!”
another anonymous student, a graduating senior, said “I’ve been afraid that this plan was in the works for years. Now it’s finally out. I knew something was up when they demolished the M7 building last summer.
In an exclusive interview, David Pesci, director of Media Relations, defended the projects under OMWN: He says of the butt tunnels, “who wants graffiti sprayed all over the place where they live, work, and learn?”  (ok, we took this one from here. but the rest was from an exclusive interview, really)
Pesci had similar things to say about everything else:
on closing WestCo cafe: “who wants dirty hippies all over the place where they live, work, and learn?”
on bulldozing the tomb: “the tomb? who wants a constant reminder of death all over the place where they live, work, and learn?”
and on the smoke detectors: “Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. Who wants fire all over the place where they live, work and learn?” on making Eclectic the new admissions building: “I think it’s a nice building. Good old classical columns and all that. Who wants Eclectic kids all over the place where you would want prospective students with rich parents?”
When asked about why the plan is taking place over the summer, Pesci said “who wants Wesleyan students all over the place where you live, work, and learn?”

20 thoughts on “Administration to “make Wes normal” over the summer

  1. Drew

    I totally fell for that up to the last couple of paragraphs. Well done! What with all the crackdown rumors, I was half expecting normalization on a mass scale.

  2. Drew

    I totally fell for that up to the last couple of paragraphs. Well done! What with all the crackdown rumors, I was half expecting normalization on a mass scale.

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