Eclectic Valentine’s Day Party: Stimulus Package

Here’s your bailout:

My friend tells me that Valentine’s Day is cancelled this year because of the recession. I don’t know if I believe him. Either way, nowadays it feels like someone flew a crop duster over the earth and sprayed bromide all over it. (If you’re a know-nothing lowlife and can’t figure out what that means, the French and Polish armies used to spike their soldiers’ wine and coffee to keep their thoughts chaste.)

That’s why we, the Eclectic Society, have decided to throw a party at least in honor of Valentine’s Day, this Saturday from 10 P.M. to 2 A.M. We want to provide an environment that will inspire tumescence in the college-age demographic once again. Eclectic is a civically minded organization. We want to do our part.

That’s why we’re calling our party the Eclectic Stimulus Package V-day Party. How apropos. This theme is funny for two reasons. First, it puts the name of a recession-relevant fiscal policy in a sexual context. Secondly, you’re probably going to our party hoping to find someone to do what the Bush Administration did to the economy. But all this talk of stimulation is making me feel kind of stimulated, so I’d better get to the rules before I get too bothered:

NO CONTAINERS AT ALL. We don’t care if it’s holding holy water to remind the freak dancers to leave room for Jesus. You’re not bringing it in.

BRING YOUR WES ID. We will send you running if you don’t have it. Find a way to carry it and not lose it. Maybe consider sewing a pocket to your lacy undies. Someone might even find your blend of sexiness and practicality ravishing. If you’re importing a date or platonic life partner, please tell hir to bring hir government-issued ID. We’ll keep it safe and warm for the party and return it when y’all leave.

BRING CA$$$H FOR WATER. The rituals of courtship leave you dehydrated. We’ll be selling bottles of water so you keep producing enough saliva to spit game all night.

TICKETS WILL BE SOLD IN ADVANCE ONLY. $5 at Usdan, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, at lunch and dinner. And don’t even try to bring a fake ticket to the party. We’re smarter than you and have plenty of ways of telling that you’re a huge phony.

NO RE-ENTRY. Do you want a bespectacled, 165-pound ectomorph to teach you this the hard way? I didn’t think so. But if I have to, I will. And I can. I’m from Baltimore.

We hope to see you on Saturday, comporting your nasty selves with the greatest propriety. Eclectics are quite a well-bred bunch and we’re choosy when it comes to courting.

So brush up on your Emily Post, maybe even your Keynes (what a mack), and let’s get re-stimulated. Together.

Warmly,
Will Krieger ’11
Phi Nu Theta

Date: Saturday, February 14
Time: 10 pm – 2 am
Place: Eclectic

36 thoughts on “Eclectic Valentine’s Day Party: Stimulus Package

  1. Anonymous

    holy fuck will krieger is officially the most pretentious douche on the fucking planet. i have seriously never read a party post like this before.

  2. Anonymous

    holy fuck will krieger is officially the most pretentious douche on the fucking planet. i have seriously never read a party post like this before.

  3. Anonymous

    wow, elegantly erudite as well as ectomorphic! electic engages and excites! exquisite. electic: more than just a fraternity!

  4. Anonymous

    wow, elegantly erudite as well as ectomorphic! electic engages and excites! exquisite. electic: more than just a fraternity!

  5. Anonymous

    we’re only selling water because people are not allowed re-entry and sometimes go over to mamoon’s to buy some water and then are not let back in. If you really don’t want to buy our nice refreshing water than drink some tap water. Also, Drugs are dangerous. -your mom

  6. Anonymous

    we’re only selling water because people are not allowed re-entry and sometimes go over to mamoon’s to buy some water and then are not let back in. If you really don’t want to buy our nice refreshing water than drink some tap water. Also, Drugs are dangerous.

    -your mom

  7. Anonymous

    fuck that, if they have money for E, they have money for water. eclectic SHOULD capitalize on this. awesome.

  8. Anonymous

    fuck that, if they have money for E, they have money for water. eclectic SHOULD capitalize on this. awesome.

  9. Anonymous

    Wow. You fucks are actually charging for water? Retarded for several reasons, so I’ll give you my favorite:Why are you providing water? Because you, like the rest of campus, know that people love to drop E for this party. And E dehydrates the fuck out of you. Dehydration of the nature that E causes can send you to the hospital, or even kill you. Is it worth the extra coin, knowing that some drunk freshman on Ex won’t buy water, leading to a possible hospital visit? You want that on your conscience?Fucking eclectic, do the right thing and set up coolers filled with water. Maybe you’re in financial dire straights, but that’s better than having someone seriously injured at your party.

  10. Anonymous

    Wow. You fucks are actually charging for water? Retarded for several reasons, so I’ll give you my favorite:

    Why are you providing water? Because you, like the rest of campus, know that people love to drop E for this party. And E dehydrates the fuck out of you. Dehydration of the nature that E causes can send you to the hospital, or even kill you. Is it worth the extra coin, knowing that some drunk freshman on Ex won’t buy water, leading to a possible hospital visit? You want that on your conscience?

    Fucking eclectic, do the right thing and set up coolers filled with water. Maybe you’re in financial dire straights, but that’s better than having someone seriously injured at your party.

  11. Anonymous

    normally, I’m impressed by the clever eclectic advertisements, but this is just condescending and annoying. 2/10Also, it’s really really really douchy, if not against policy, to not provide free water.

  12. Anonymous

    normally, I’m impressed by the clever eclectic advertisements, but this is just condescending and annoying. 2/10

    Also, it’s really really really douchy, if not against policy, to not provide free water.

  13. Anonymous

    This might only apply to clubs and the like, but I think it’s illegal not to have free water offered at dancey places. it’s a health risk.

  14. Anonymous

    This might only apply to clubs and the like, but I think it’s illegal not to have free water offered at dancey places. it’s a health risk.

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