Your New College Graduate: A Parents’ Guide

For all the 2010-ers and their parents: Simon Rich of the New Yorker‘s typically hilarious Shouts & Murmurs column presents a comprehensive guide for how “to care for your precious new college graduate.” An excerpt below:

What do I do if my college graduate cries? What do I do if he screams?

College graduates are setting foot in the real world for the very first time. Imagine how daunting that must be! They have so many daily needs, and yet they lack even the most basic tools required to survive in the world. They are completely helpless. Crying and screaming are ways for college graduates to communicate their frustrations, so that you can solve their problems for them. Again, you can usually find out what’s wrong by consulting a simple checklist:

Does your college graduate have enough cigarettes? Yes / No

Did you remember to fill her wallet with cash? Yes / No

Does she have Internet access? Yes / No

Has she had her daily nap? Yes / No

Does she have her Moleskine and/or sketch pad? Yes / No

Does she have her bottle? Yes / No

Sounds about right. I guess all that’s missing is how to gently cure your college graduate’s mental dependence on a goddamn falafel cart and teach hir to recognize authority figures slightly more threatening than P-Safe’s Dave Meyer. Good luck, kids. I’ll be over here, clinging to the Olin steps railing.

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