ResLife to Students: Hide Your Kids, Hide Your Wife

Sleep tight, guys. Don’t let the—you know.

In response to the continuing resurgence in bed bug infestations across the country, and especially in New York, Fran Koerting, Director of Res Life, reassures via an all-campus email that Wes has only had one isolated incident but urges students to familiarize themselves with university bed bug protocol. Some relevant tips:

  • If you think your residence may be infested, call Physical Plant work order at 860-685-3400. Redirect weekend/late-night calls to P-Safe.
  • Don’t wait to call. You taste delicious. Seriously.
  • But don’t panic. But don’t wait. But still, don’t panic. But act fast.  For all of our sakes.
  • Don’t clean your room until the exterminator determines whether or not bed bugs are actually present. Res Life will provide you with a “temporary location in which the student can sleep” if an exterminator can’t come within 24 hours.
  • Super helpful BED BUGZ FAQZ here, courtesy of ResLife.
  • “Keep any bed bug you find (intact if possible) to show Physical Plant.” Or your Biodiversity professor. If you’re into that sort of thing. Weird.
  • Wanna report your infestation and track the epidemic on a national scale? Check out Bed Bug Registry, now with handy maps with red dots!
  • To quote the ACB: “Anyone who is ‘chill’ with bed bugs is super ‘not chill’ with me.” Or Fran Koerting, apparently. Amen, friend. Preach it.

Also, Special Bed Bugs Bonus Feature: Campus Bed Bug Panic Roundup, ACB-Style (or: “Uptight and Un-Chill”: The Westco Panic):

  • Bedbugs: “I think I have them… watch out WestCo”
  • “You really need to take responsibility for this problem. The longer you wait, the more it could (and probably will) cause a problem for the other WestCo residents.”
  • “i thought westco was supposed to be the “chill” and “laid-back” dorm?”
  • “hey, take it easy man. why are you so uptight?  if you get bedbugs, you get them. if you don’t you don’t.  stop stressin’ so much!”
  • “mao it’s a veritable westco freak out.  they are showing their true colors in this thread! they are not as laid-back as they claim to be, that much is certain!”
  • “And there is nothing “not chill” about wanting to eradicate a bed bug problem. Honestly, that shit is disgusting, even though it isn’t the person’s fault. Anyone who is “chill” with bed bugs is super “not chill” with me.”
  • “what i have learned today is that westco residents consider themselves to be “cooler” than the rest of us, but in reality are just as uptight and neurotic. what a fucking joke.”

It’s okay, Westco. We won’t judge you for not being “down like a clown charlie brown” with bed bug infestations. I promise.

And lastly, a throwback to my (your? our collective?) angsty teen years. Eddie Vedder knows what’s up. Seriously, check out these lyrics: