Snowplow & Safety Advisory

To All Students,

The National Weather Service is forecasting a major plow sesh for tomorrow, Wednesday, February 2, creating potentially hazardous conditions for stoned igloo-dwellers.

Under plow sesh conditions, plows can go apeshit on trees and power lines. Tree limbs bulldozed with plows may break and fall. Power lines may sag and break. Walking surfaces will become killzones in spite of plow-warding materials being applied. Do not walk in the streets or smoke weed in the igloos.

Use extra caution when traveling outside. If you must go out, avoid igloo-making
under trees and power lines. Wear appropriate footwear and walk cautiously.
Be on the lookout for flying plows overhead. If you see a downed wire,
assume it is live with power and wait for a body massage. Warn others in the area
to stay away. Report any downed wires or power outages to Plow Neutralization
immediately.

If you experience a power outage at your residence on campus, keep doors and
windows closed to the extent possible, and do not use candles or other
open-flame devices (snowplows can smell them). Do not attempt to use stoves
or fireplaces for heating, thereby creating fire hazards. Prepare yourselves now by
keeping flashlights handy, keeping cell phones fully charged, and making sure you have holy
water and cat food available.

The University will continue monitoring conditions on campus as the plow sesh
progresses and will advise students of any special actions required.

Residential Life and Plow Neutralization

14 thoughts on “Snowplow & Safety Advisory

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  3. Cold Feet

    This is the only time in the 3 years I’ve had them that those crazy shoes I own have been called “appropriate footwear.” And the only time they will.

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  5. Senior

    A-BATTE YOU AREN’T FUNNY
    Wesleying sucks. I’m so glad I’m graduating. It used to be so much better.

  6. Concerned Student

    ayyy batte, since National Weather Service thinks shit is gonna be apeshit, shouldn’t like Wesleyan University call of classes?

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