Bard Wins Nonexistent But Still Nauseating Onion Contest; Wes Students Pissed

“I’ve been to dinner parties where guys show up with baguettes under both arms and just go for hours talking about Joanna Newsom or whatever. It’s nuts.”

According to The Onion, Bard College has been named the nation’s “No. 1  Dinner Party School.” And you know what that means: “Surveys show the nonstop dinner party culture at Bard is now even more widespread than at Wesleyan.”

Is that even possible? This article (and the accompanying stock photo) is disgustingly on point to an extent almost beyond satire. I especially enjoy the administrative angle:

School officials said Bard has made a number of positive changes since 2005, when a student was sent to the hospital after ingesting in excess of three poached tilapia fillets in less than an hour. Steps taken to manage the dinner party scene on campus include freshman orientation classes encouraging students to eat alone in their dorm room at least three times a week; banning the use of fondue kits on campus; and contacting the parents of students found using vegetables or tofu from the school’s dining hall in their homemade stir-fries.

Meanwhile, our hard-dining wine-savvy Wesleyan table-mates aren’t okay with the second-place salute. Ally Bernstein ’13 isn’t taking this sitting down (err, at a table):

Bullshit. Just this week I’ve participated in making eggplant tempeh curry, homemade lavender-lime spritzers, vegan quesadillas with fresh avocado, and soup from local tomatoes canned by a friend last summer. Wes is forever king of dinner party culture.

Stick it to the man, Wes. Sip that Pinot fucking noir.

[More on douchey Wesleyan dinner parties here. More on “The Onion Loves Making Fun of Wesleyan” here.]

[The Onion]

7 thoughts on “Bard Wins Nonexistent But Still Nauseating Onion Contest; Wes Students Pissed

    1. 2013

       You’re a Bard alum reading a blog run by current Wesleyan students about Wesleyan? At least we still have our internet supremacy..

  1. Pingback: Dinner Party School Ranking Scandal: Mounting Evidence of Corrupt Judging by The Onion – Wesleying

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