At last a breath of only semi-polluted air!  Tonight marks a pivotal moment not only in the illustrious music history of Wesleyan, but of AMERICA.  An album that has been setting underground music blogs and unsuspecting young women’s hair on fire for the past few humid weeks is finally being released to the public: Chilly Phoenix’s long-awaited debut EP, The Trident, a breathtaking achievement four long and arduous years in the making.  Robby Hardesty ’12 and David Thompson ’11 birthed the concept of this album through bouts of sweaty, drug-induced insomnia in the fall of 2007, and have been battling not only each other, but the dark forces of the free market to climb to this pinnacle of musical craftsmanship ever since.  The Trident may be the only thing that can pull America out its Great Impoverishment–get it before the Internet explodes all over your keyboard.  This shit is safer than gold and may just be the Next Big Market.  The supply is limited and the demand is high, so prices may shoot through the roof if you don’t act soon.

If you purchase The Trident, you will receive copious amounts of bonus materials, including journals from the time of the album’s creation, personal photographs, speeches, treatises, expense accounts, and more.  The album is available to stream or buy at the band’s Bandcamp page.  Also check out Hardesty and Thompson’s day-in, day-out, soul-boning activities on their Twitter.  Investment is preferred to thievery.  No free lunches, honkeys.

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    ‘Theirs is a world we all know, for in the final analysis, their world, in the end, is, when the dust settles, our own’     By J.R. McGillicuty
         Had Kayne West and Jay-Z taken their own judicious advice to “Watch the Throne,” perhaps they would have found a different summer to release their duo album. As of last Friday, it’s clear Chilly Phoenix has cast the longest shadow of long-awaited musical collaboration.     After a 24-hour promotional frenzy largely carried out on Twitter, the Robby Hardesty and David Thompson duo Chilly Phoenix released a five-track EP and/or LP titled, “The Trident.”[…]
         The nearly dirge-like consistency of BoA 1 is the most masterful cultural response that any reader of the Sept. 12, 2011 New York Times could have hoped for after reading that “Bank of America Confirms Plans to Eliminate 30,000 Jobs.” This reviewer felt something deep inside him shudder at the headline, knowing that this could only mean that Bank of America’s star as one of the largest corporate banks in the United States has started to wane. Thompson’s even-toned bellowing comes straight out of our collective diaphragm to mourn Bank of America’s demise even as Hardesty’s uplifting guitar rifts remind us there is still something to live for in a world that’s been so cold and soulless to a bank just trying to make it out there.
        BoA 3 (Live), the whimsically countrified ode, has perhaps the most powerful lyrical punch on the album. “Bank,” Hardesty entreats with passion, “Bank of America.” It should be obvious the world of music hasn’t heard that kind of practiced and precise poetry since Gilgamesh. 
    […]     The supplementary materials go well-beyond most included in other big-budget musical releases. The most current photograph taken of Hardesty, included in the jewel case, will ensure masturbatory material for an estimated 6-7 minutes, depending on the strength of your grip. […]
         The album was released as part of a nontraditional Dutch-style IPO. Chilly Phoenix announced the night before the release–in a clear breach of SEC rules surrounding such openings–that they expected the album to sell at $45. It opened at just $0.63 and the promise of a Snickers bar, with or without fingers crossed behind your back.

    1. J.R. McGillicuty

      Oh god. My editors are going to kill me. Who posted this? What else did you take from my computer? Shit. I’ll sue!

      1. Anon Arts & Leisure Editor

        Damn it, McGillicuty. You fucking asshole. This was easily the biggest release of the last decade. And you leak NY Times copy on this piece of shit blog? You know what? Kuzeckzy’s fucking your girlfriend. Good luck writing Groupon ad copy, fuckface.

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