Captain Mittens To The Rescue—WTF?

“Sometimes I’m mildly culturally insensitive.”

For those who don’t check the ACB since the apocalypse: Wesleying has received word that the ACB (the new post-blipdar student-run venture, mind you) (not that I actually read it with any regularity or anything) has received its own savior and “guardian angel” in the form of Captain Mittens, a semi-anonymous, fuzzy-hatted, eccentric stranger who disperses advice-column wisdom from the warmth of his Butts WestCo(?) dorm room and a trademark YouTube channel. The captain hirself writes: “I come to you from the interwebs as a savior, a guardian angel, and a member of your sexually ambiguous community in order to answer all your questions.”

A disclaimer: I’m as confused as you are. I don’t know who Captain Mittens is, what hir deal is, or just generally what’s going on. Still, ze has asked us to pass along the word, and I can’t deny being mildly intrigued: it’s like a whole new Wesleyan Web Series, except exclusively featuring an easily excitable underclassman in a goofy hat answering seemingly self-posed love queries about unibrow fetishes from the ACB.

If that sounds up your alley, go nuts: it’s almost break, and the thread’s already got 34 replies and counting. (That’s a lot, sadly, in the post-Frankian anonysphere.) You can contact the captain at captainmittensxoxo(at)gmail(dot).com. If it sounds like some narcissistic experiment gone horribly awry, steer clear and keep on scrolling. As one responder points out: “i have no words.”

Here’s Mittens’ take on unibrows.

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7 thoughts on “Captain Mittens To The Rescue—WTF?

  1. Anonymous?

    Wait…does anyone know who this kid actually is? I’m assuming he has some sort of name other than Captain Mittens. But maybe I’m just naive.

  2. i c wut u did there

    Be honest. You just put “WTF” in your post to draw more random visitors to this post, a la WTF is WTF?

    1. Zach

      Being honest: no, it never really occurred to me, which is thoughtless on my part considering the  obnoxious number of hits “WTF is WTF?” gets.

    1. Into-mittens

      HOW DARE YOU!!

      CAPTAIN MITTENS IS THE BEST!!

      but different opinions should be shared and respected, not shot down like above. thats my opinion at least. why dont you like him/her/ze!?!

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