No-Shave Roundup: “My beard enjoys long walks on cold days, shampoo, and fraternizing with fellow beards.”
“As to the whiskers, having never worn any, do you not think people would call it a piece of silly affection if I were to begin it now?” So wrote a beardless Abraham Lincoln to Grace Bedell, the 11-year-old admirer who first suggested that he “grow whiskers” before ascending to the presidency. Had Lincoln taken up residency at Wesleyan, it wouldn’t have taken him so freaking long: this campus has got more great beards than Jamaica’s got mangoes. Some of them look like muskrats, some Karl Marx, and many of them are thriving and growing all year long.
No Shave November is a week past. We howled, you submitted: beards, beards, and porno ‘staches out the wazoo. We’ve finished analyzing texture, follicle count, ‘stache, and general beardliness, and we are ready to post. This year’s submissions far surpassed the volume of last year’s. I suspect that has at least something to do with the efforts of one Jake Schofield ’12, who recently hosted the first ever No Shave party and celebrated “an ancient tradition.” Schofield reports: “Everyone won something, but only one manly man won the Best Beard award. It was unanimously decided that the manliest man of them all, Mr. Ofer Levy ’12, should receive this great honor.”
Click past the jump for Wesleying’s finest beard submissions and a full photo gallery.
- Name: Samuel Remington Long ’12
- Award: Most Free-Thinking Beard
- Notes: Long’s beard, pictured here with an Unidentified Yellow Object that may or may not be a rubber duckie, is at once classy and primitive, patchy and full-bodied. “My beard does not conform to social constructions of gender,” explains Long. “Its favorite food is freedom.” Word.
- Name: Alex Heyison ’15
- Award: Best Freshman Beard
- Notes: Alex Heyison writes: “My beard enjoys long walks on cold days, shampoo, and fraternizing with fellow beards. He hopes to one day bring facial hair to tragically under-bearded areas of the world. Today is his one month birthday.” Here is Heyison’s froshbeard looking pensive and kind.
- Name: Jana Heaton ’14
- Award: Best Mustache
- Notes: In between auditioning for Blue Man’s Group (founded by a Wes alum; know your factz) and spending quality time at the ocean, Jana’s mustache enjoys spending hours upon hours on the main floor of Olin, hyped up on Adderall and Weshop Yerba Maté. It’s never too early to start pregaming Mustache March.
- Name: Zach G ’13
- Award: Most MIA Beard
- Notes: This beard is mad busy studying Buddhism and religion in Bodh Gaya. Thankfully, there’s photographic evidence to prove that the beard is thrivin’ all over and psyched to make it back to Middletown in the spring. That expression says, “I can meditate better than you can.”
- Name: Adam “RotBot” Rotstein ’13
- Award: Best “Neard” (Neck Beard)
- Notes: For the second year in a row, Rotstein is the victor of Wesleying’s prestigious Best Neard award. When Adam first sent me this picture, he sent it directly from his hot diggity Digital SLR or whatever in like a billion megapixels, so the Neard filled up my whole screen and you could make out every particle. I’ve spared you that treat, but rest assured—this Neard is a treasure trove.
- Name: Lucas Harrison ’14
- Award: Patchiest Beard
- Notes: I’ll let Harrison explain this bad boy: “This beard, though not my first foray into a grizzled chin, is my longest effort to date. Stray hairs abound, it has become something of a tangled mess, so mission accomplished I suppose. Also, my mustache is blonde–what? Here’s to getting carded at Metro this weekend!”
- Name: Matt Younger ’14 and John Ludlow ’14
- Award: Best Bearded Duo
- Notes: It doesn’t quite compare to the .gif pictured above, but what does? These dudes look happy and proud of what a month’s growth has wrought, and in the words of one really lame pun: “Younger? More like . . . older.”
More on past and present Wesleying beardedness here, here, and—for a classic survey by Wesleying’s adjunct associate statistics director emeritus Dan Nass ’13—here. Here’s last year’s No Shave gallery, just for the hell of it: