For all you froshies out there who
just discovered Wesleying and are neurotically refreshing have no idea what’s up with that banner of a vulture and a kid making an alarmed expression, prep for a history lesson in HIST 404 Sam Lyons ’12. Today is the six-month anniversary of a campus squirrel’s as-yet-unexplained death and subsequent very-much-explained disembowelment, and the six-month anniversary of the Greatest Picture Ever Snapped. We here at Wesleying feel obligated to honor and chronicle such a historic event, widely viewed as a defining moment in Wesleyan’s long and illustrious career:
25 April 2012, approx. Midday: Campus Squirrel ‘?? (and no, not Wes Squirrel, who was apparently born in 1960 and graduated long ago, now working at Asplundh Tree Experts) dies of unknown causes outside of Fisk Hall.
25 April 2012, approx. 12:55PM: Fucking Vulture ‘?? (and no, not to be confused with Red-Tailed Hawk, recently caught on film and identified as a non-student) arrives at the site of death and begins disemboweling Squirrel.
25 April 2012, approx. 1:00PM: Wesleying writer killofrights wanders by and observes the scene of the crime. In hir own words, “it ruined my day.” Many other students are also subject to the spectacle as they go to and from class.
25 April 2012, approx. 1:05PM: The Imperturbable Sam Lyons ’12, previously known for his DJ skills and C¥BERGIGA, walks by holding an iced coffee. He slowly turns his head to the right. Images register in his visual cortex. His eyes, hidden behind dark sunglasses on the bright, cloudy and overcast day, widen in shock. He becomes quite visibly perturbed. He involuntarily cringes away from the horror before him.
25 April 2012, approx. 1:05PM: Meanwhile, Olivia Drake, official Wesleyan photographer and incidentally responsible for some other truly epic shots,
lies in waitstands nearby, camera at the ready. As Lyons’ body goes through its “now immortal shudder” some twenty feet away, the photographer’s finger moves in infinite slow motion, depressing the button to operate the shutter mechanism with immaculate precision, and producing the Greatest Picture Ever Snapped.
25 April 2012, approx. 1:06PM: Lyons and the photographer continue on with their lives.
25 April 2012, 2:13PM: The Greatest Picture Ever Snapped is uploaded to Facebook. Within hours the picture receives hundreds of Likes and dozens of Shares.
25 April 2012, approx. Afternoon: The picture is cropped for use in memes by Harry Ray Ezratty ’13.
25 April 2012, approx. Evening: This beautiful image is created by Jesse Ross-Silverman ’13. It is soon dubbed the Greatest Sam Lyons Related Picture Ever Photoshopped.
26 April 2012, 11:06AM: Wesleying writer killofrights gives the original account of this story.
26 April 2012, 5:16PM: Wesleying Staff begins considering a new banner based on the picture. Since we’re
lazybusy, it takes a while, but a new banner is up within a week.
6 September 2012, approx. Midday: I get the idea of writing this post. I figure out the original date and begin work.
7 September 2012, approx. all of it: I get
lazybusy and cease work.
25 October 2012, approx. Morning: The day is upon me. I resume work, and finish this post.
25 October 2012, 2:17PM: I publish this post.
Today, Now: You read this post.
[Edit 25 October 2012, 6:14PM pyrotechnics: Olivia Drake has courteously informed me that there were in fact three “creepy” vultures. Also she has lots of other shots of vultures, squirrels, and Sam Lyons, as well as combos of all three for just $69.99!]