Celebrate the start of the semester by pooping somewhere new.
Most of us don’t think twice about the bathrooms on campus—we generally use whichever ones are most convenient at the time—but is there anyone else out there like me who has walked in and walked out of a bathroom entirely, simply because you just didn’t feel comfortable?
If so, you’re in the right place. We all have those moments in unfamiliar parts of campus when we don’t know where to turn (or sit), and that’s why I’m here for you, and so is the rest of the staff at Wesleying. Finding the perfect bathroom is a joyous moment in a person’s life, and we want you to have your moment, your time, to sit back, relax and use the bathroom in peace. We want you to realize that the world is bigger than your dorm, building or house—and since we can’t guarantee you’ll find a bathroom with this guy in it, we’ve done some exploring for you.
Here is a comprehensive list of what we’d like to think (as self-proclaimed bathroom enthusiasts) are Wesleyan’s best bathrooms. In no particular order:
1. ’92 Theater Basement
Comments: Just saw a show and you really gotta go? Head downstairs and behold what is arguably one of the classiest bathrooms on campus. It’s the little details, like the curved heads of the sink and the black tiles on the wall, that serve for a Broadway-esque atmosphere.
2. Handicapped Stall in SciLi
Highlights: Convenience, size, availability.
Comments: Busy with class all day and need some alone time? Did that burrito at Summerfields just not hit you right? Then this is the bathroom for you. This gem on the first floor of the science building right off of the lobby hides a sizable stall where you can take the perfect time out. It’s conveniently located on campus so that even during your night out you can stop in on your way to Fountain. Be warned, though: no one actually knocks to make sure people are in there. I’d lock the door if I were you….
Comments: As a testament to just how old this building is (fun fact: the second oldest building in the country dedicated to undergraduate science instruction), the girl’s room has two functional urinals in it. Talk about gender neutral…
4. Fisk handicap
Highlights: Endless possibilities.
Comments: If your Wesleyan Excretion Experience has thus far been lacking in tranquility, look no further: the Fisk handicap bathroom’s soothing atmosphere and aesthetically appealing design will surely tickle your fancy. Incredibly spacious interior, softly diffused natural lighting, and a very flattering mirror will leave you feeling refreshed, revitalized, and ready to take on the day—perhaps the world. Come here to unwind, contemplate existentialism, or come up with a draft of your next novel about a school for young wizards—in the Fisk handicap bathroom, anything is possible. (Description by Schmox.)
5. Fisk bathroom stalls
Highlights: Old fashioned, insightful vandalism.
Comments: Though I really thought twice about having two bathrooms on the list from the same building, I’m going to have to make an exception. With graffiti like this, who needs the ACB?
6. PAC (fourth floor)
Oswaldo: “Pretty sure there is a glory hole down there in the basement”
Highlights: Potential for disease transmission, color scheme.
Comments: I personally don’t find the appeal in glory holes, so I’m just going to focus on PAC’s 4th floor bathrooms. Upon walking in there for the first time last year I was pleasantly surprised by the luster which is certainly a testament to the days when PAC was actually Harriman Hall dormitory.
7. Art tunnels
LaraStoned: “I always feel like I’m part of a Taken plot in there. Exciting?”
Highlights: Quiet, memorable.
Comments: Have you ever wanted to have that “so scared you’re gonna pee your pants” feeling? Down in the CFA Tunnels you won’t be disappointed, but keep in mind that it’s more about the journey, not the destination.
8. Albritton (first floor)
Anonymous ’16: ” Omg Albritton always smells like coconut, vanilla and shea butter. I’m definitely that girl who goes out of her way just to use that one even if I’m as far as Exley.”
Highlights: Shower, separation of stalls and sink areas, smell?
Comments: Wake up late? Not have time to take a shower before your first 9 am? Live too far from the center of campus to go back in between classes to get rid of the stench? Like when I ask questions like this to make a point? The shower stall in the first floor bathrooms are there for you in your time of need. Also, the patterns on the bathroom stalls, definitely add some visual interest to what would otherwise be a very simple design
Comments: These bathrooms do in fact have couches, just as every girl fantasized and faux-bragged about in middle school. Though some of the luster would surely disappear if I found out that was also true for the men’s bathrooms in HA. Yet I will say that the refrigerator in the bathroom on the second floor of HA has always just creeped me out. Don’t shit where you eat, amiright, folks?! (Description by Melodious.)
10. 41 Wyllys
Highlights: Green handles, dual flushing, environmentally friendly.
Comments: Though the bathroom itself doesn’t have anything particularly spectacular about it, the fancy mysteriously green dual-power flushing devices make you think twice about your unconscious conscientious contribution to our environment.
Comments: Let’s face it—bathrooms on the weekend are an entirely different story. From bathrooms at society houses to senior houses, there’s really a wide range of options that add some flavor to your night. In some cases, peeing outside
is seems to be the best option. According to Goodz, the backyard of Fountain is “just like peeing in the woods, except your dignity’s gone.” And who wouldn’t want that?!
According to Waynesworld, “OHO gives you a scenic view of Eclectic while you’re squatting. There are also a number of bushes outside to disguise yourself from peeping toms, despite the fact that you’re already peeing outside. Also, the bushes in between Eclectic and the PSAFE building are pretty decent.”
As an underclassman I see having to go to the bathroom on the weekends as a prime chance to take a look at some potential real estate. In case you haven’t caught on yet, I really do have a thing for
pointless Wesleying features bathrooms. A huge part of what will factor into the house I get senior year (who doesn’t plan ahead?) is going to have to do with the bathroom. Although I never seem to think twice about using a random bathroom on the weekends, it must be so weird to have strangers locked inside your private space of glory.
In order to get a full perspective, I think it’s only fitting to bring in Melodious (whose bathroom I’ve used countless times might I add), who begins with a series of questions:
Why do (random) people use my deodorant just because it’s sitting out and I live on Fountain? If I left my make-up and perfume out, would people use that too? Has anyone used my toothbrush for a quick freshener? Should I hire someone to dole out such services and start charging? Why did people get into our shower and draw with Sharpie on our bathtub when we lived in LoRise? These are the questions that keep me up at night. Just saying, some pretty weird shit goes down in bathrooms on the weekends. (no pun intended; gross, right?) My housemates have all admitted to me that in their younger years, they frequently used seniors’ things if they were laying out. I’ll also admit (with no shame) that seniors’ bathrooms were the location of many photos and selfies for my friends and me during the underclassmen years.
And so it goes—down the tubes, similar to my grades after writing this post.