If They Named Blizzards, This Shit Would Be Named Kanye

[IMAGE UPDATE: 4:25 p.m. 2/7] New forecasts predict Middletown to be in the 20-30 inch range, and some parts of Massachusetts are going to receive up to 40 inches

I found out that they do, in fact, name blizzards, shortly after writing this headline, but was too proud to change it.  This one is “winter storm Nemo.”  Let me get all my one-liners out of the way first: “Won’t take long to Find Nemo at this rate!” “Guess we should all head to P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney!” “Maybe the storm only speaks whale, and we can ask for help! Moooooooowwoooooowaaaaaawaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.” “Know what this storm’s saying about New England? MINE.MINE.MINE.MINE.MINE.MINE.MINE.”  Good. That’s over with.

Just hours after the 35th anniversary of the legendary “Blizzard of ’78” had her way with most of the Northeast, what I prefer to call “Monsterblizzard Kanye” prepares to storm through Upstate New York and hit Middletown around 7 a.m. Friday morning.

News of this comes on the heels of Superstorm Sandy, Hallowinter Wonderland, Hurricane Irene, and Snowpocalypse 2011.  Somewhere, Al Gore is having an orgasm.

Judging by how both national and local news networks are busting out top rhetoric for this storm, I’d say we’re all going to have to wait in line for three hours to get lunch I mean spend the night in our 35 degree heatless room err, sit back and wait to be officially fucked.  NPR is calling the storm a “real nightmare,” our dear Hartford Courant says that this is “potentially historic,”  and Fox News says “Don’t worry, you’re fine. Just get your guns ready.”

A “Blizzard Watch” has been issued for most of the state of Connecticut, which signifies that winds of at least 60 mph are expected in addition to heavy snow.  Expected final snow totals range from 16″-32″, ending around 6 a.m. Saturday.

Don’t look for any help from the American Red Cross Disaster Preparation Page, because all you get is an Error Page.  No, that one wasn’t a joke.

Public Safety recommends that you “find your kerosene lamps, get your blubber coats ready, and finish all your real food before you start to consider freshmen a viable option.* *–Cooking instructions forthcoming.”  At 7:07 a.m. this morning, Michael Roth posted a sepia-toned photo on Instagram of him getting into a cab, with the caption “Heading back to California Arts College. This is really real.  See you later, hippies!”

More updates as details develop.

9 thoughts on “If They Named Blizzards, This Shit Would Be Named Kanye

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