Have you ever casually walked by a room and accidentally witnessed some passionate afternoon delight? Have you ever pulled your eyes away from your own mating rituals only to make uncomfortable eye contact with a Peeping Tom through your window? Whether you’re the emotionally scarred bystander or the poor soul whose ass became the unfortunate target of public spectacle, you know the struggle that Wesleyan windows can pose for campus lovers. So unless you happen to be a nudist, exhibitionist, or get a kick out of public indecency, we have a few words of wisdom to prevent future embarrassment: CLOSE THE BLINDS AND DON’T TOUCH THE GLASS.
In order to really hammer (get it?) the message home, we have collected for you a few sad but true tales of Wesleyan Window Woes. So absurd and humiliating you think it’s a joke. But no, dear friends, this is real life.
Case Study #1: Fragile, Handle With Care
A sexy lady’s saucy lover knocks out some glass while in the throes of passion. What can we say, his foot was on the window, things got a little rough (if you know what we mean), and like Lindsay Lohan’s reputation, the window was shattered. Luckily, good old Wesleyan footed the bill on this one and the window was repaired at no cost or additional embarrassment. Aren’t you glad your tuition goes to good use? But actually.
Moral of the story: We all remember the horrifying YouTube video of a Shanghai aquarium’s tank exploding, flooding the herd of observers with a wave of seawater, glass shards, and a casual shark. Don’t bang on the glass (pun very much intended) or chaos will ensue. The upside to this one was that they were able to enjoy a jolly mid-banging laugh, and continued their scandalous encounter despite the brief interruption and the addition of a cool breeze. Happy banging, try to avoid the glass.
Case Study #2: The Great Escape
After falling into bed with an adventurous acquaintance, a Wesleyan woman had to slip out the window one fall evening to avoid any roommate awkwardness in a two-room double. After a romp in the hay, our heroine feared an uncomfortable roommate run-in and took the road less traveled and hopped out the window. However, being less than graceful, that escape was none too pretty.
Moral of the story: Just exit normally and say hi to the roommate. You might make a friend. Or, you know… find another worthy suitor who lets you use the door.
Case Study #3: The Open-Blind Eyeful
It’s probably happened to you and you might not even know it. Please remember, windows are clear and therefore see-through. Whether you’re behind that all-too-transparent glass or the one looking in, forgetfulness in the window-covering department can be traumatic for everyone. There was one particularly memorable incident when, sheathed in darkness, two ignorant youths were seen doin’ the dirty through the window and speculation ensued. Don’t be those people.
Moral of the story: This one’s easy, guys: close the damn blinds. When we say “use protection,” we also mean for the sake of your dignity and our fragile psyches.
It’s safe to say that Wesleyan windows have seen their fair share of sex-related scuffles. We’re all for your sexual liberation, but go easy on the glass, guys.
Brought to you by Darwin & Grey.