In celebrating President Roth’s birthday, we are sharing a timeline of his illustrious life.
Springtime is in the air and Foss Hill is alive with cheer on this glorious April day, a day full of historic occasions, none of them so grandiose as the 56th birthday of everyone’s favorite part-time university administrator and full-time historian of the history of psychological thought, Michael S. Roth ’78. While Wesleying is not privy to the full week of gala celebrations probably kicking off tonight with a Freud-themed costume party at the presidential residence, we do want to share in the cheer by looking back on President Roth’s illustrious life and career. Courtesy of Wesleyan Ampersand historians Piers Gelly ’13 and Benjamin Soloway ’13, here is a rough timeline of Michael S. Roth, interspersed with visual tributes that some of our readers and fans have sent in. (Some of the images are also via The Ampersand.) We have also changed our banner for the occasion.
Want to wish President Roth a happy birthday yourself? You can do so on Facebook, where he is, like, 92% guaranteed to accept your friend request. You can also do him the favor of fixing a “Citation needed!” alert for his date of birth on Wikipedia, which bans citing Facebook in articles. You can also follow him on Twitter or hit up his blog or read this Bomb Magazine interview or watch a video of him hanging out with Judith Butler.
5290 BCE – After extensive travel through the Fertile Crescent, Roth invents writing, the wheel, agriculture, and metaphor.
5288 BCE – Roth begets Martin Benjamin ‘57, his first son and lifelong nemesis.
0 CE – Roth’s Id, Ego, and Superego split into three bodies and gift the baby Jesus with gold, frankincense, and myrrh, respectively.
99 CE – Roth invents the chariot.
1234 – Roth attains Nirvana.
1301 – Roth meets and inseminates Quetzalcoatl, fathers Odin.
1505 – Roth discovers the 12 uses of hemp, starts hemp activism.
1800s – Roth punches Nietzsche in the throat when he suggests that God is dead.
1874 – Roth fathers Winston Churchill.
1933 – Roth fathers Philip Roth.
1944 – Roth cuckolds FDR.
1966 – Roth graduates from fourth grade.
1974 – Roth applies to Wesleyan, gets accepted to Wesleyan, gets crunk at Wesfest.
1975 – Roth slays ADP Grotto Troll and is subsequently named President of ADP.
1977 – Roth fathers Kanye West.
1978 – Roth leaves Wesleyan a year early in order to search for horcruxes. ADP is left leaderless, and it will never recover.
1980 – Roth spurns Madonna. Most of her subsequent releases deal directly with this event.
1995 – Roth hi-fives Jerry Garcia on Jerry Garcia’s deathbed.
2001 – Roth invents the iPod.
April 8, 2010 – The Ampersand writes a brief timeline of Roth’s exploits.
2012 – Roth builds a time machine and travels back to his childhood and fathers himself.
Happy birthday, President Roth! Take the rest of the day off and maybe get some sun on Foss tomorrow.