Think writing is the only thing going on in those thesis carrels? Think again.
You’ve heard about theses about sex. You’ve also heard about theses that are not about sex. But have you heard about the sex… about theses? (‘About’ there being used as a preposition to indicate proximity or nearness, and here being used to indicate overly pretentious grammatical analysis.)
Anyway, if you’re a senior frantically trying to make whole chapters coherent (or written), you received a survey a few weeks ago (inspired by this old Argus article from the 1995) about how much sweet sweet sexin’ you’ve been getting in your carrel (or not carrel) in between the coffee runs. About 20 percent of you managed to fill it out, and by the looks of it the rest of you were too busy bangin’ to complete the survey. Here are the results, with a few choice excerpts:
Have you ever had sex in your carrel? Yes: 48% (56% at least masturbated)
“Yep. Haven’t really been able to concentrate in my carrel ever since.”
“Yes. I’ve spent more time having sex in my carrel than working there.”
“yes, oral. but planning on having vaginal intercourse in my carrel soon.”
“Yes, both masturbation and with a partner. We found the chair and desk especially useful surfaces.”
“Damn straight (yes; on the floor).”
Have you ever had sex in a different carrel? Yes: 4% (though another 28% indicated desire or intent to do so)
“I fully intend on having sex in another person’s thesis carrel.”
“No, sadly. I have not touched the D of someone in my own class in a long time.”
“no, but not for lack of trying”
Do you suspect that others are having sex in their carrels? Yes: 80%
“YES- i know it for a fact. it’s a senior year bucket-list item for some of my friends. a few have crossed that off the list already.”
“I really don’t care; when I’m in my carrel I’m more concerned about my thesis than how other people are wasting time.”
“Yes — some pretty damning noises (unless someone was reading some particularly strenuous texts).”
“if they aren’t, they should. there’s nothing that livens up thesis-writing than remembering your bare ass was sitting here on this desk”
“I absolutely KNOW that others will and/or plan to have sex in their thesis carrel. The best part is that I hope people are having loud sex so people can hear. Always the best. ”
“Heard some giggling and coughing today. The drunk freshmen who run through are way more annoying.”
Stories? You betcha.
“We weren’t planning on it, it just happened. But we made sure not to bother anyone.”
“Honestly can you all just keep it down??? The whole sounds really funny until you’re working on writing and people start in on some stupid giggly shit that’s impossible to ignore. We do all have houses.”
“a lady never tells”
“My friend told me she heard someone masturbating in the carrel next to hers.”
“If you’re in a fourth floor carrel in one of the middle rows under the skylights, when it’s dark outside you can look up at the windows and see the reflections of other carrels that have lights on. I don’t work in my carrel often and I’ve never seen anything, but this could definitely be a place for further investigation of this topic. But honestly, the really interesting stuff is going on at [removed for privacy].
“i watch porn n touch myself.”
“I hear a lot of sexual noises coming from a particular third floor thesis carrel near the bathroom. The girl that was having sex in her thesis carrel was doing it with a very popular Wes Alum (Wes 2012) with the initials [removed for privacy]”
“After a random encounter at the film series, I finally caved to pressures from my sophomore FWB to have sex in my ‘carell’; he kept pronouncing it like ‘Steve Carell.’ Miraculously not a drop of semen was spilled on the lustrous Olin carpet for which I would have had to make an awkward call to the phone number for ‘electrical/carpeting.’ I think we were remarkably quiet. Will it happen again? Who knows.”
And my personal favorite:
“The only story I have is my own. I literally received this email, grew upset that I had only ever masturbated in my carrel, and sent out a text. Within a few hours I was having my very own carrel sex. “
So, 2014ers, make sure to bring plenty of Windex when you move into your carrels next fall. (Don’t ever bring a blacklight.) And for the 2013ers still writing (why are you reading Wesleying?), you’ve still got a few hours (yes, hours) left to get some sweet sweet sexin’ in before you turn in your thesis and never, ever want to set foot in your carrel again. Best of luck.