Lust, Lies, and Latex: Condom Qualms

This is a school where people are down to talk about sex. We’re more than eager to share stories of last night’s sexcapades with our friends. We advocate for consent and take a stand against sexual violence. We’re open to going to lectures, taking classes, and engaging in discussions about sex. So at a school where everyone is so gung-ho about sex, why do people still seem to be confused about condoms (this is not how it’s done)?

Of course, there are many ways to have safe, consensual, positive sexual experiences as well as tons of different forms of birth control. But if you are using condoms, you may relate to some of these struggles. From the humorous to the disturbing, here are some of the best and worst anecdotes and experiences we’ve heard lately about the plight of the condom. Who knew a thin layer of latex could be so controversial and amusing?

Case Study 1: Refusal to wear a condom

We all know there’s no such thing as safe sex, there’s only safer sex. So we’re a little confused about why there’s any hesitancy to put a glove on it. However, it appears some amongst us are still trying to dip it in without a condom. Not too long ago, a saucy lady was getting down with her new lover. Everything was going swimmingly, consent had been obtained, and all signs pointed to go. It all came to an abrupt halt, though, when he tried to slip it in without so much as reaching for a condom. When she asked him if he was planning on wrapping that up, he was suddenly wide-eyed and incredulous: “Of course!”  Well then, sir, it seems a little odd you wouldn’t do that at the start.

Moral of the story: Wrap it before you (even try to) tap it and always feel comfortable requesting the use of a condom.

Case Study 2: Condom stinginess

Ok, so we know that double-bagging it isn’t good for anybody (friction makes the condoms weaker and more likely to break), but there are a few cases when using more than one per sexy session is the right way to go. A certain lady was having a helluva time with her man friend acquaintance when the condom broke mid-shag. Instead of informing her of the situation, he just kept on keepin’ on. In case we’re not all aware of this, latex is not actually an effective barrier if torn. Please, there are more than enough free condoms being handed out on this campus; you can spare another. Just take a breather from your sultry times beneath the sheets to refresh the condom if it becomes necessary.

Moral of the story: If you’re going to have sex, you have to be willing to deplete your condom stockpile for safety’s sake. And a serious note about safe sex backup plans in scary situations: if the condom does break, Rite Aid is within walking distance from campus and sells Plan B, and STI testing is available at the health center.

Case Study 3: Odd condom references.

Cheers to all the well-intentioned, bumbling lovers whispering “do you have a… you know…” when the time comes to slip on a friendly latex. Maybe articulating the word “condom” seems to disrupt the romance. It’s okay if you are one of those who are too stricken by awkwardness to actually say it!  We’ve compiled a list of some some sassy ways to insist on condom-usage. After all, a little creativity never hurts in the budoir:

“Don’t be silly, protect your Willie!”

“No glove, no love.”

“Wrap it before you tap it.”

“The right selection is to protect your erection.”

And for the Harry Potter fans out there: “Protect your wand from Hogwarts before entering her Chamber of Secrets.”

Moral of the story: Keep it wrapped, kids, and have fun.

Brought to you by Darwin & Grey