This week, noted satiricists at The Onion released a video depicting a fictional Wesleyan graduate talking about how he “doesn’t know how [his] parents [are] ever going to pay off [his] massive student loan debt.” Sources confirm that The Onion releases news stories that are false, yet satirize or critique some aspects of American culture.
“Look, The Onion has been taking some big risks lately,” says Devin Asterisk ’16, “but this is taking it way too far.” Citing recent The Onion intern’s tweets about the Beasts of the Southern Wild star, the student adds, “I feel like Quvenzhané, but worse, because it’s me.”
“Look,” says Mary Studentname ’17, “It’s not that easy having a lot of money. But, of course, it’s in The Onion’s interest to veil our reality in destructive lies, all in the interest of ‘comedy,'” ze concluded, employing hir pointer and index fingers to make scare quotes around the final word. When asked to elaborate on hir point about the difficulties of having money, Studentname responded, “I don’t like the way you’re attacking me right now. It makes me feel very upset.”
Sources confirm that Wesleyan alumnus Gus Spelman ’11 works at The Onion, and could be partially responsible for the content of this video. One very high-up member of the Wesleyan faculty who wishes to remain anonymous but whose name rhymes with Richael Moth says, “That Spelman is a fucking traitor. Also he didn’t donate a penny.”
Watch the video here.
Click here for other mentions of Wesleyan in The Onion.