WesBooks That Will Never Be Written


Happy Thanksgiving, readers! A gift from us (and some of you!):

A year or something ago, I stumbled upon a thread on a certain will-not-be-named-Wesleyan-alum-created-website-that-I-refuse-to-endorse. But FUCK THE ACB or not, the results were something special. Here are the examples that started it all:

Posture is Everything: Maintaining a Healthy Gait by Michael Roth
Repressing Overzealous Political Correctness by a Sociology major

Avoiding a Midlife Crisis for Dummies by Scott Backer

A certain class year very clearly won this one, folks. Read on for the results. I highlighted some of my favorites but by all means screw what I think! Oh, and sorry (maybe) for the incongruent Thanksgiving ecards. I may or may not have started drinking at noon. Enough of me, let’s get to it after the jump.


Favorites from the Class of 2017:

1321976238094_6892505A Guide to the Marriage Culture at Wes: What to Do If You Just Want to Hook Up?
Van Vleck: The Phallus That Crowns Wesleyan’s Campus: A Feminist Interpretation
by Someone in the Nics
Middletown Transit Authority: An Example for Transit Systems Everywhere
 by Carless in Connecticut
Summerfields: Culinary Haven a Half-Hour From New Haven! by Guy Fieri
In Defense of the Tour de Franzia, by PSafe
How the Class of ’17 Avoided Infectious Diseases by the employees of the Davidson Health Center
Where Do I Piss If Not Off My Balcony? by Anonymous Drunk
Fire! The Night the Nics Actually Burned Down by Phalsa Larm

and 2016:


SciLi: The Best and Only Place to Get Work Done on Campus by Yea Wright
Why the Butterfield Dorms are the Center of Wesleyan’s Campus by GRS #560
Becoming the Best Me, Drug Free by The Eclectic Society
Loud as a Whisper by The Usdan Breakfast Egg Lady
“Mom, I’m a republican”: Stories of Self-discovery at Wesleyan by Itsa Spectrum
R u stil at beta? goign to Fotuntain praty now’ by the drunkest dude at falafel

Seniors, showing a pre-occupation with MRoth:reminder-start-holiday-season-thanksgiving-ecard-someecards

Chalking at Wes: A Best of Photo Collection by Michael Roth, PhD
A Layman’s Guide to Surviving Humans vs. Zombies
by Michael Bay
Why I Love Wesleyan Students by Any Middletown Resident Who Lives Near Senior of Junior Village
Why I Care More About Students Than US News and World Report Rankings by Michael Roth, PhD
Fuk, I Luv This Skool More Than My Own Dog by @THE_REAL_MROTH
The Oddest Drunken Incidents at Wesleyan Since 1980: Sex, Drugs, and Injuries by Dave Meyer
How To Be A Strong Ally: Standing By Our Students by The Wesleyan Administration
How To Make Great Pho by Summerfields

Some Titles from the Graduate(d)/Unknown:

95358296a07ec979fbba349fbc058424That’s Not My Hand In Your Wallet by Michelangelo Rothe
Value for Money by Your Parents
One Day They Will Call It “The Butts” by Victor L. Butterfield
I’m Aware of Your Needs: A Financial Guide to College Dating by Michael Roth
Why Is This? by Thesis Why
How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Early Move-In by Stacey Phelps
El Wes: International Crusader for Freedom, Justice, and Cheap Thrills by Wes Coe-Tunnell
No One Likes Magikarp by W. E. Scam
The Usdan Center Is the Hub of Campus Activity! by Knot Mee
Well-Endowed: An Exceptional Vehicle for Social Policy by Michael Roth


And 2015 FOR THE WIN:

Today I Took a Shower: A Collective Memoir by Farm House
This Whole Bottle? A Memoir from Pledging Eclectic…Twice by Michael Roth
My Favorite Condom and Other Things I Found by Fosster Hill
Have You Heard of Das Racist? by Anon ’17
Don’t Move, Don’t Breath, Just Pray: The Story of How I Had Sex in the Stacks by Jack Nimble
christmas-presents-family-rage-thanksgiving-ecards-someecardsToo Hip to Hop: A Treatise on the Segregation of Usdan by Usdan DJ Guy
The Audacity of Hope by Giante Jointe
Going to Neon Deli is a Great Idea! by Zonker Harris
How I Met Her Mother by Barney Stinson
Following the ACB and Other Great Advice by [Name Redacted] Through My IZE by Ice Jones
That Looks Familiar: A Compilation of Your Favorite WesBreasTesticles by Barry Naked
What’s an Anwar? by Anon ’17
Occupying Usdanistan (Sequel to the Hurtlocker) by the Wrestling Team
ACB: How I Changed Everyone’s Mind Through Anonymous Rants by Anon ’15
The Definitive List of Every WeScam, Ever by the Computer Science Department
Give Me Your Tired, Your Poor, Your Huddled Masses Yearning For Singles by ResLife
The RawDank Connection by Alfred D. Pie
Fear and Loathing in Eclectic by Alexander Shulgin
Coffin or Urn by Prometheus
Defeating Diversity: How Wesleyan Eliminated Outcasts and Became a Beacon of Conservative Hope by Ann Coulter, Forward by Michael Roth
Total Frat Move: A Wesleyan Story By Judith Butler
That’s So So-Co! The Insider’s Guide to Social Constructions by Mary Emma Jane’17
How I Got Wesleyan to Love Football, and My Other Greatest Feats By Bill Belichick
Big Sean, 2 Chainz, and Other Great Artists of Our Time By An Eclectic Collaboration
Ice Age: Diversity Extinction through the Winter Term by Michael Sloth
Reaching Consensus a co-publication of Wesleyan University and WesDivest!


Kudos to you all for turnin’ it up for this write-in. THANK YOU ALL AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS!


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5 thoughts on “WesBooks That Will Never Be Written

  1. '17

    Defeating Diversity: How Wesleyan Eliminated Outcasts and Became a Beacon of Conservative Hope by Ann Coulter, Forward by Michael Roth…

    serialized on huffpost starting next week…

    The slimy irony is not lost on us when Roth and his boutique PR folks brazenly assert that they have “redefined access” –

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