I woke up from my finals-induced stress nap and opened the Wesleying Gmail account. I clicked on the label marked “NOVEMBEARD.” My heart leaped–then I realized that only five of the submissions were from this year. I’ll admit it: I was a little disappointed. But then I looked at them. And they were glorious.
We got five submissions total, and each of them is a winner. If this is an accurate cross-section of the Novembeard results this semester, then there are probably a lot of beautiful beards out there that will go unrecognized today–but this is how it has to be. Nevertheless, this is a good payoff.
Wesleyan students: FEAST YOUR EYES.
1. BEST FACE
This comes from Rob Roth ’14. What can we say about this besides this is just really fucking great. I’m not sure if a photo has made me happier before. Mr. Roth has shown his sense of humor and elegant beardcraft in exhibiting this patchy crop. Kudos, Rob–and congratulations for best face.
2. BEST BEFORE-AND-AFTER
Sweet Jesus–this is a beard. Isaac Pollan ’15 has demonstrated a natural affinity for photography, fashion, and face fertility. How deep does the black forest go? Only God can know. Cheers, Isaac.
3. BEST NEARD
The lighting isn’t great, but you can tell–this beard stretches from the point of chin to the adam’s apple. Thoreau himself could not have achieved this in a month. Grady McGregor ’16, Wesleying salutes you. You are a true inspiration.
4. MOST STYLISH
Meet Riordan Abrams ’17. Look at the swell, the cresting wave of red hair. Look at the even, rugged facial hair, begging for a chin-stroking and being so satisfied. Look at those rakish eyebrows. Welcome, Riordan. We’re glad to have you on board.
I deliberated a good deal about what to call this one. Most great? Most excellent? Most challenging to the gender binary? Most yes?
The answer was staring at me the whole time. Just… most. Roxie Pell ’15, I don’t know what to say besides you just fucking rock. You killed it with this beard. I don’t know how you did it, but you did. I won’t ask your secret–I don’t want to ruin the magic. Wesleying bows to you.
Well, that’s it, folks. I hope you enjoyed Novembeard 2013. Enjoy those fucking finals. Think of the fireplace. Think of hot chocolate. Most importantly: think of beards.