There’s a Blizzard Happening and We Don’t Know How to Deal

juno

The first big snow of the school season happened on Saturday, and today we found out the snow thing is going to be a bigger deal than we thought. As we prepare for a “crippling and potentially historic” New England blizzard this week, students just kind of want to know 1) if classes are going to get cancelled and 2) if airwes can brave the storm. (Probably not/probably not?)

It’s called Winter Storm Juno, and it’s already freaking out a lot of people. I’m talking maybe 30″ of snow and wind at 60 mph is coming for us Monday night. Hopefully it’s nothing like Nemo, Sandy, or the snowpocalypse of ’11, but I guess only time will tell if we need to start freaking out. (Shout out to WeShop and Asian Restaurant for stocking up on food for people just in case we do.)

Now there’s some protocol for preparing for blizzards. But if you’re like me and don’t know how to deal with the whole snow thing in general, I put together a really basic crash course for people to refer to when we all wake up on Tuesday to find the world covered in white shit. As a second semester freshman from Arizona who saw her first snowfall literally yesterday, I’m completely qualified in giving you these tips. Feel free to post your own survival tactics for #blizzardof2015 in the comment section.

Here’s some tips to help you get through:

  • Do not spend an hour and a half walking around, grabbing handfuls of snow, piling it up, and shaping it into a snowman. The cartoons were right because you can actually roll a snowball in snow to make it a bigger snowball. Doing it any other way will waste your time.
  • There are like eight different terms for varying degrees of extremity for snowfall, and I just don’t get it. (For example, winter storms and blizzards aren’t the same thing.) Basically, whatever level snow is happening, you should probably wear boots. (????) ALSO while there are a shit ton of different terms to describe the varying degrees of snowfall, don’t let your friends convince you that “supersnow” is one of those terms.
  • Sometimes people eat snow??? This is apparently very normal to everyone, but I’m skeptical and you should probably not do it.
  • Sometimes people eat snow with maple syrup on it??????? Even though maple syrup might be great, you should still probably not do that.
  • Snow isn’t a reason to not do something. Wesleying writers will laugh at you at the staff meeting if you act like it could pose any sort of hindrance to going about your normal day. Grab three sweaters, some long johns, a scarf, and some boots, and go about on your merry way. Don’t let the snow tell you you can’t be who you are.
  • A few inches of snow is the same thing as having “like, no snow.” At least, that’s what the northerners tell me. So just pretend like it’s not even there.
  • You can tell whether or not people are from New England based on their social media posts when it snows. People who aren’t from here: Instagrams with snowmen, heavy snowflake emoji usage, proud Facebook mothers posting the selfies their children texted them. People who are: nothing. If you want to fit in, stop freaking the fuck out about the snow online.
  • Snow makes everything much brighter. This is inconvenient during the day when everywhere you look reflects the sun. Wear sunglasses.
  • Speaking of the sun, the iPhone weather app sun symbol is not at all indicative that it will be warm that day. Considering that the sun is an enormous ball of fire, this is weird and wrong. Do not be fooled.
  • Sledding feels a lot like dying and then you get to the bottom and want to do it again. So go sledding. But probably not during the blizzard.
  • How are you even supposed to walk in snow?
  • Apparently Michael Roth is really adamant about not cancelling class in situations of lots of snow and that’s disappointing for people. We must all struggle through this, and we must do it together.
  • People who drive seasonally have to get their tires changed to be able to drive in the snow. These are called “snow tires.” If you drive on campus, I’m guessing you need snow tires.
  • There’s this whole thing where you have to put on three layers to walk ten minutes and then take it back off when you enter a new building and while it may seem unnecessary, it’s still a hell of a lot better than hypothermia. Layers.
  • Ear muffs actually work! Use them.
  • Even though it can get dreadful and slushy and stuff, it’s also really magical and neat. Enjoy it while it lasts, and be sure to stock up at WeShop for Monday night!