Looks like the admissions office is going to have to do more than just revamp their Instagram. The Economist just published its first-ever college rankings last week, and those bitches put us at #623. No, that’s not a typo: SIX HUNDRED. TWENTY. THREE.
The Economist says that the formula behind their rankings is “simple:”
The economic value of a university is equal to the gap between how much money its graduates earn, and how much they might have made had they studied elsewhere.
Of course, while the former is easy to find nowadays, the latter is where things turn into something out of NUMB3RS. The Economist says it uses some fancy “multiple regression analysis” and runs it through a shit ton of software and *poof* there’s your ranking. Whatevs, Economist.
But if you think our ranking is bad, I’m here to make it worse: Here’s a list of schools with “Wesleyan” in their names that beat us:
- West Virginia Wesleyan College (#67)
- Illinois Wesleyan University (#81)
- Texas Wesleyan University (#163)
- Iowa Wesleyan College (#277)
- Nebraska Wesleyan University (#286)
- Southern Wesleyan University (#350)
- Kentucky Wesleyan College (#410)
- Roberts Wesleyan College (#521)
- Wesleyan College (#581)
And before you look it up yourself, yes, Amherst beat us at #560 and Williams continued to be the perfectionist older child of the Little Three by topping out at #458. Here’s the big kicker: Colby (#130), Bates (#230), Bowdoin (#404), Middlebury (#282) and Tufts (#445) all beat us, too. Hamilton killed everyone in the ‘CAC at #85. And here’s the cherry on top of another dire college rankings for Wesleyan: Trinity beat us (#604), so we may need to lay off the “took a shit, got a biology degree from Trinity” jokes for a couple of days.
For those of you just tuning in to the shit show that is college rankings for The Tech, we’ve made many odd-numbered stops amongst the “best colleges” lists, including #15 on Forbes‘ 2014 list of best colleges, #17 on US News & World Report, and #21 on Forbes in 2012. To make ourselves feel a little better, Princeton Review named us the #1 impact school. On the even-numbered side of things, we were once listed #12 for colleges where students are both “hot and smart.”
I will, however, end this post on a fabulous note: Yale ranked #1270. Looks like we are the Harvard of central Connecticut after all. Sucks to suck.