Adele’s “25” Listening Party: Places, Positions, and Soothing Inanimate Objects

adelelololol

You’re not going out tonight.

I don’t give a fuck that you’ve just launched a personal campaign to “SOSS” (Save Our Social Scene).

Tonight’s a night of glorious gloom and you’re gonna get some ice cream and listen to the soul-penetrating voice of your football-playing-ex-crush-from-high-school’s favorite British songstress. And, Jesus, are you gonna sob.

We, the angst-ridden, internet-obsessed staff of whateverthisfuckingsiteis ARE HERE FOR YOU!!! We have compiled a list of our favorite places on campus to have a good cry. For your sorrow, we have also included various positions and objects that you may find to enhance your *experience* (crying). By God, let’s give this album a listen. SERENADE ME, ADELE. IT’S BEEN 4 YEARS.

In no particular order (oh look, there’s 25), here’s where and how to properly sob to Adele on this campus:

  • Lying on the floor of the Exley shower in the fetal position, binkie in mouth, hyperventilating about potential negative press coverage

  • Hirise elevator, spread-eagle, with an empty 4loko caressing your leg-pit; this night was NOT okay

  • Next to sassy pastabilities guy while stuffing your face with carbs. Optional: holding a comfort blanket

  • Manspreading in Beta, crying because your protein powder is gone, hugging a barbell (and your masculinity)

  • Freeman gym, whimpering to the tune of the creaky 1990s treadmills, nursing a case of Muscle Milk

  • Olin 4th floor thesis carrel curled up in a ball under your desk, gripping a copy of Marx’s Communist Manifesto (and a copy of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants)

  • Having sad missionary sex with your Tinder hookup in the Alpha Delt attic, phone in hand

  • Michael Roth’s office, squatting on his large ass round table, hugging Mathilde the dog

  • Clark dorm room, wailing inside a walk-in closet, clutching your innocence

  • Summerfields, lying face-down behind the cash register, holding a congealed quesadilla

  • Pine Palace kitchen, crouching because you’re an underclassmen hiding from PSafe, nursing half a can of PBR

  • Fountain backyards, shivering because it’s fucking cold outside, carrying a solo cup of jungle juice that has way too much Everclear in it

  • Standing in Neon Deli, holding a really damn good sub

  • Lying down way too exposed in the WestCo triple clutching very few memories of the night before

  • WestCo Cafe, standing there being moody, smoking four cigarettes at once like a hipster BOSS, crying because you can’t possibly come to terms with the fact that you love Adele’s album AND SO DO OTHER PEOPLE OUTSIDE OF GODDAM BROOKLYN

  • Hewitt bathroom, sobbing in a bathroom stall, with a wad of toilet paper (because apparently there are no paper towels there????)

  • Crying in the Butts tunnels, cuddling with ~*~your memories~*~

  • crouching behind the pickup counter at WesWings throwing back mozz sticks

  • Weshop, lying there shoveling Sour Patch Kids from the candy wall into your mouth

  • Hotline Bling dancing on Foss Hill while nursing a Giant Joint

  • Lying amongst the produce at Long Lane Farm, cuddling with some organic shit because you’re EARTHY AS FUCK!

  • Olin 3A North, sobbing in the same spot where you once hooked up with someone during Senior Week, stuffing your face with frozen Lean Cuisine from Weshop

  • Weeping in The Ride, clutching your grilled cheese from Whey Station

  • Planking next to Butt A dumpster with a plastic bag drifting through the wind wanting to start again

  • Office of Admissions, wait, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU THERE?