Procrastination Destination: fake fb events

this is the fakest fb event bc it doesn’t even exist!

If you’re worried about missing the continuous stream of Wesleyan-related FB event invitations during break, never fear. I’ve complied this list of those ridiculous fake events for some last minute procrastination. If you’re so inclined, express your interest on facebook to broadcast to your friends just how screwed you are, or to gloat that you’re already finished.

I have helpfully classified these events into categories, which are  highly scientific and not arbitrary at all.

animals:
become a cat and meow @ ur problems until they die
Turn into an actual cat
give ur goldfish a bath bc you’re procrastinating studying for finals
PET EVERY SINGLE DOG
start building ur cocoon so u can evolve for finals (idk if this really counts bc you don’t actually have to turn into a caterpillar?)

bathe ur goldfish

are u ready???

existential misery:
thinking you lost all hope but then losing that last additional bit of hope you didn’t even know you had
pretend like nothing is wrong and live the rest of your life as a lie
regular misery:
Crying and Eating Bread by Yourself on the Floor
putting on a brave face:
Join a silly, fake Facebook event to show everyone you have an ironic appreciation for the absurdity of everyday life
life is a lie

consuming drinks/food/things:
Make sangria & drink alone in ur apartment while watching Beans from Even Stevens
eat flamin hot cheetos till you see god (unrelated, but I highly recommend you read the Cheetos wiki page.)
eat their own phone
Pringle-fy your lips during finals week

eat their own phone

I like to think of this as a command to eat the “own phone” of a mysterious Them.

misandry/could lead to misandry:
going home and deliberately avoiding the people you hated in high school
get beat up by ur friends for attending fake fb events
unfriend that friend who’s interested in stupid events

unfriend that friend

transforming into parts of systems:
Become a tide pod and join the machine
turn into mitochondria and become the powerhouse of the cell

join the machine

Not sure this even counts as a fake facebook event but come on: National Fuckb0i Day
Fuckb0i event planner isn't big on call out culture.

Fuckb0i event planner apparently isn’t big on call out culture.

Because I am interested not only in classification, but in statistical analysis, I put together a graph of my facebook friends’ interest in these events. While my friends are surprisingly tolerant of their high school nemeses, they apparently love/hate/are fuckbois.