Welcome Back/It’s Spring Semester/ARE YOU WESLEYAN (STILL) Checklist

welcomeback

Hello collective social organism that is the Wesleyan student body. Quit thinking about Drop/Add for a hot sec and LISTEN (READ?). If you’re like me, you gave no serious thought to what you wanted to do this semester and packed 30 minutes prior to journeying to central Connecticut.

For me, and for you, here are some things you can do to reaffirm your identity as an oh-so-Wesleyan student.

  • Beg the shit out of concert committee to bring your favorite band “Fetus” to Wesleyan. They’re so obscure that they haven’t even been born yet.
  • Subvert the institution by continuing to pay to go here.
  • Be naked literally anywhere.
  • Create a new Wes twitter dedicated to the many winter tree fractals (fractals!) on campus.
  • Approach choosing a major with the same level of commitment as Tatiana Schlossberg.
  • Go way too hard this weekend in the basement of X House.
  • Rip up the heteropatriarchy enough to where Total Frat Move writes another article about us.
  • BRING BACK PORN AND MILKSHAKES.
  • Get ANGRY.
  • Write a thinkpiece about the intersectional elements of Michael Roth’s breath (and submit that shit to Wesleying!).
  • Finally join a drinking team with a frisbee problem (and talk about, like, how cool your spring break trip is).
  • Spike everything (Breakfast pail! Ramen! Awful Usdan coffee!) with Dubra.
  • Take a butt pic with the outing club.
  • Enroll in American Jewish Humor as an act of American Jewish humor.