In memory of the candidates who are no longer with us after the Iowa caucus and in honor of those who are preparing to battle to the death in New Hampshire today (wait you’re telling me that the presidential primaries aren’t The Hunger Games??), please enjoy this *~*~*~*high-brow*~*~*~* political commentary that was sent in by an enterprising Wesleyan student!
eyyy guess who’s procrastinating?? (
me, it’s methe anonymous friend of a wesleying staff member!).
it’s caucus day folks, and you know what that means: TIME TO COMPLETELY MISUSE THE POLITICAL PROCESS FOR CHEAP COMEDY!!! And so I present to you, a comprehensive list of current political candidates in order of how likely you would be to fuck them. Brought to you by my highly partial Democratic Socialist self
1. Martin O’Malley, more like Martin O’Nail-Me, am I right ladies?
look at this beautiful, scrumptious, boy-next-door beefcake. those pecs, those abs, that hot substitute teacher smile. plus, it seems like he actually doesn’t want the earth to perish in climate driven famine and disaster, which is a turn on if I’ve ever seen one.
2. Marco “I’m a Hard Seven, Baby” Rubio
okay, so that quote is from SNL. but you can’t deny that he is by far the most attractive Republican candidate. those lustrous brows, that well formed nose-mouth combination, those eyes that scream “help me. please”. points deducted for creepy-but-not-enough-to-be-worried-Neighbor smile and that whole opposing marriage equality like a dipshit thing
3. Rand Paul a.k.a baby seal
oh Rand. I fundamentally disagree with you on almost everything. but that soft, vulnerable look in your eyes is hard to resist. you’re like, the cute kind of rodent. like the kind people keep as pets. and your nose is always red, like in one of those old Puffs commercials. would probably be into some kinky shit, so pull out your fuzzy handcuffs. bonus points for curly hair (destroy the straight hair hegemony all rise).
4. John “Call Me Daddy” Kasich
he’s that guy your friend with the daddy kink would continually insist is really hot, while the rest of us nod along somewhat uncomfortably. soft but stern, he looks like that man at the post office who your aunt has been holding a secret but passionate flame for these many years. very large ears for hearing your every satisfied moan and whimper. (sidenote: if I believed in hell I’d be going to it right about now)
5. Ben “Asleep on the Streets, Awake in the Sheets” Carson
this brain surgeon is the perfect candidate to bring home to momma. you could get lost in those eyes (when they’re open of course). And he can fulfill all of your naughty doctor fantasies. so pull down those knickers and hop on the operating table, because he’ll show you where those grain silos really are
6. Hillary Clinton, more like You Intimidate Me in a Weird Way I Can’t Explain But Don’t Dislike
stare into those baby blues and feel the gentle caress of her desperation to be president at any cost. you’ll have a wild night of dinner, dancing, and the intense, erotic rush that comes from holding the democratic party in the palm of her soft but strong hands
7. Bae-rnie Sanders
okay. so I get that physically, Bernie Sanders is basically your grandpa’s friend who talks too loud at dinner. I get that. hear me out. or rather, hear him out. let him whisper sweet nothings in your ear like: “the middle class and the polar ice caps are melting. it’s time for a revolution. fuck the banks. fuck the corporations. viva la socialism”, and you’ll be feeling the bern in no time.
8. Cutie Fiorina
statuesque and strong-featured, let Carly Fiorina sweep you off your feet and gaze at you adoringly, then make passionate love to you over all of the layoff paperwork covering her desk. a forceful and attentive lover, you probably wouldn’t be completely turned off. Maybe.
9. Jeb “I’m the Less Attractive Brother” Bush
kindly and slightly spongey, Jeb would be loyal and complimentary, grateful for any small shred of attention you might pay him. He’s that guy who wants to sleep with you who let help you move or do laundry, and occasionally award a peck on the cheek or a sad handjob to keep him at bay. On the better side of passable.
10. Chris “Ugh” Christie
if belligerence and pettiness get your motor going, this unscrupulous bad boy is for you. angry, corpulent, and sort of okay to fool around with if the lights are off maybe, Chris Christie is the perfect candidate to bridge the gate to your heart.
11. Ted “I’d Actually Rather Die Than Touch This Man” Cruz
Ted Cruz, frequently confused for backwards swamp monster or overgrown land dwelling blobfish, is probably one of the least fuckable, or likeable, human beings on the planet. However, he’s not Trump, so that’s something.
12. Donald “Human Garbage” Trump
are you actually fucking kidding me, like. would you sleep with him? please say no I mean, is vaguely incestuous fascist racist sexist orange scum bucket your type???? please seek help. I am worried for you. please. oh my god I can’t look at this picture any more. GET IT AWAY FROM ME.
Now that you know everything you really need to know about the candidates, don’t forget to vote in your local primary!