Confession: I spent my Friday night watching Rebel Wilson try to make “dicksand” happen in the new movie How To Be Single, but it was all in the name of Wesleyan-related ~journalism~.
For those of you who don’t know, How To Be Single is the tale of a recent graduate (played by fake pubes-wearing Dakota Johnson) after she breaks up with her college sweetheart and has a quarter-life crisis (so eccentric!). Luckily, her rambunctious gal pal Rebel Wilson is there to make as many phallic jokes as possible in under two hours, and a lot of debauchery sets in as these ladies and their friends Leslie Mann and Alison Brie deal with the dudebro-infested waters of modern dating.
I don’t think it was possible for me to want to see this movie less, until this mysterious tweet popped up:
— Cambi Brown (@CambiBrown) February 10, 2016
WHAT THE GODDAMN HELL?? We obviously followed up and this conversation ensued:
We’re featured????????????? https://t.co/tC3Bv2fl9o
— Wesleying (@wesleying) February 11, 2016
— Cambi Brown (@CambiBrown) February 11, 2016
@wesleying Alice (Dakota Johnson) graduates from Wes, breaks up w beau, moves 2 nyc n gets into trouble w rascally coworker Rebel Wilson
— Karen Whalen (@cardinaltwit) February 12, 2016
I don’t know about all of you, but unless there’s some obvious Wesleyan connection to this movie that we’re all missing (believe me, I researched), this is one of the most random fucking things to happen to Wesleyan this year.
Initially, being the good and unbiased and v profesh journalists we are, we were going to write up a short post with official administration sentiment on the matter. Like Cambi Brown of CBS Sacramento fame, I too wanted to know how much of our #THISISWHY money was spent to get Anastasia Steele a fake Wesleyan diploma. But being what the University is, it has not yet sent a reply to our request for comment.
Thus, we had no choice as purveyors of unabashed truth but to go see this film (my two pretentious film major housemates are screaming, “For the love of GOD hermes, it’s a MOVIE, not a FILM!!!!!!”). After initially trying to find this offering in the dark corners of the web and failing miserably, we had no choice but to head to the lovely institution of Metro Movies, mini wine boxes in hand, to investigate.
We subjected ourselves to 110 minutes of Leslie Mann pretending she isn’t aware of how hot she is and Anders Holm bragging about his nightstand beer fridge, and here’s what we learned: There are two major Wesleyan sequences in the film, and both of them are hilariously terrible.
- Dakota Johnson’s character Alice (who becomes a ~paralegal~) and her college boyf Josh (who becomes a ~consultant~ or some shit) meet in a nondescript college dorm hallway. The only way we know that it’s ~Wesleyan~ is that this Josh character is wearing an authentic Wesleyan University t-shirt. And no, the movie was not filmed at Wes, but Josh’s bare ass makes a brief appearance, so they must’ve been trying to emulate WestCo.
- Later in the movie, Alice goes to an “alumni networking event,” and here’s a fun inconsistency: The Wesleyan colors in the scene are green and white. It also features some obnoxious a cappella singers. #womp
- Side note, Damon Wayans, Jr. plays a badass single dad who also went to Wesleyan. He’s a developer and owns a building in Manhattan or something.
So, how Wesleyan is Alice? Aside from possessing an extremely impressive number of overalls in her wardrobe and having some ironic wall tapestries in her way-too-big-for-a-recent-grad NYC apartment, not very. She keeps whining about how she wants to find herself while she reads Cheryl Strayed’s Wild (another brillz product placement) and thinks that going to an expensive gourmet cooking class is “quirky.” She’s also very vanilla next to Rebel Wilson (who says things like, “It must’ve been winter because I wrapped his dick around me like a scarf” for the entire movie).
Long story short? I have no effing clue how we ended up in this movie, but maybe they got us confused with some other Wesleyan (fun fact: Illinois Wesleyan University is the only Wesleyan with green and white as the school colors).
If you’re considering seeing HTBS for Galentine’s Day or whatever, it’s actually not totally awful. That said, it’s definitely the type of movie that wants to get #DickSand trending, so you’ve been warned. Just bring your mini wine box (they’re only $5 at Metro) and you’ll be fine.