This isn’t a thinkpiece. This isn’t #realjournalism. This isn’t a tortured artist declaring that “objectivity is dead!” I know what you’re thinking: if not these, than is this article even Wesleyan? Is this article even real?
Perhaps more pressing a question is: “Is this day even real?” Johnny Lazebnik ’16 thinks so maybe (or at least thinks we should celebrate it). Let me tell you, it isn’t. Today is more extra than the random ass beach volleyball court behind Bennet (but less extra than the GODDAM TUITION INCREASE THAT THE BOARD UNANIMOUSLY VOTED ON). The folks over at the Career Center see today as “24 extra hours to do something productive.” See Instagram post below:
HA! What a joke. Today is the day where you can literally do ANYTHING YOU WANT and just forget about it tomorrow. Because today doesn’t exist. This post doesn’t exist. I have no idea where this is going, and neither do you (about this post, or life in general). I walked around today asking some folks about leap day:
wilk: What do you think about leap day?
Ugly Petty ’17: My favorite saying is if you’re feelin froggy…leap. If you’re feelin like you need to pop off…pop off. I made someone cry today in class.
wilk: Hey so Jackson and D, wouldn’t it suck if your birthday was on leap day? Like you would be 5 years old and have to have a fake ID for 64 more REAL years.
D: So my grandpa’s birthday is like a week after his real birthday because in the Soviet Union you had to like go register that your child was born and his parents were lazy and didn’t go so his birthday is a week late.
Jackson: What does that have to do with leap day? Is his bday on leap day?
wilk’s conscience: Why aren’t you doing your work?
wilk: fuck you!
After my interviewing, I went to orgo and started to think about all the things I’d rather be doing (and pretending didn’t happen tomorrow). And, as a typical 20-something, I am now projecting this list of personal wants and desires into a list of suggestions. So here’s what to do on this leap day:
- Eat 16 summies quesadillas and diarrhea (yes, that’s a verb) on the steps of Roth’s mansion
- Start planning a mass-mobilization to cause every Wes student to just not pay their tuition next semester
- Give me a back massage
- Photoshop MRoth and JBoger onto a photo of giraffes playing leap frog (see right)
- Write about the sexual politics of the belly button
- Get drVnk and get written up in WestCo even though you’re 22
- Listen to Radiohead and make it a Creep Day
- Refuse to pay your bff back for that sex toy you bought on Amazon and make it a Cheap Day
- Procrastinatorily clean your room and make it a Sweep Day
- Learn one thing in an intro sociology class, descend into groupthink, and make it a Sheep Day
- Start another campus publication about the underside of my fingernail
And, with that, I leave you. Peace y’all.