Procrastination Destination: Bar Mitzvah Throwback Tunes

I know this is a pretty big claim but throwback Bar Mitzvah-esque tunes might just be my favorite thing in all of cyberspace. For all of you who didn’t have the experience that is a Jewish coming of age ceremony, simply imagine a crowd of pre-pubescent tweens, shitfaced middle aged Jewish professionals, and your grandparents and all of their closest friends shaking their ~tuchus~ to these tunes. Sufficiently horrified? 

Anyway, I’ve curated a selection I feel sums up the vibe. Admittedly, I’ve been listening to these while studying all semester and they’re awesome. So awesome, in fact, that my non-Jewish friends now all want to be Bar Mitzvah-ed. Such is the power of the Bar Mitzvah tune.

Let’s start with a classic: the Hora. Except that this Hora is re-imagined as all the worst parts of music production circa 2007 rolled into one. Warning: you will find yourself singing this one. I’ve caught at least three of my friends listening to this while they study.

Now that we’ve explored a timeless, traditional tune, let’s see another one. Only this time, it’s reimagined as a techno, Eurotrash masterpiece. A 1990s nightmare, complete with a crowd of young Jewish boys bopping. Pro tip: it’s even on Spotify. And while we’re at it, check out this amazing, all-too-real Vine someone made using a clip from this song. (I’ve been to AEPi functions, like, three times, and I can confirm that this is exactly what they’re like.)

Fair warning: this video has all of the bad editing a vaporwave enthusiast could ever hope for, plus the sassiest tween boy ever singing. Point is, I know every word because I’ve watched this video so many times. This one’s a stellar choice for attempting to conquer your exams. I’m Zack, Stand Back has become my motto for any and all grueling assignments this finals season.

Another treasure here, whose Garageband drum music and bad green screen is honestly unparalleled.

For a bit more of an ~underground~ choice, this is one of the Youtube Bar Mitzvah scene’s most underrated gems. Aaron’s dad is honestly my hero. He is undoubtedly the most creative rhymer I’ve ever encountered. (And I won’t give away too much, but the middle aged white guy attempting to do the coffee grinder around 2:37 seriously changed my life.)

Last but certainly not least, this one went sufficiently viral last year, so I’m sure you’ve seen it. Then again, who the hell watches these videos anyway? Either way, here it is for your enjoyment/disgust/confusion.

Now that you’ve got a sick playlist going, get to work! Best of luck on those finals! Mazel tov!