Hello. It’s only Wednesday of the first week of classes, and many of us are already peering toward commencement. I, personally, am ponderously gazing at the colorful produce photographs on Weshop’s south façade from the all-too-removed realm of Pi Cafe and thinking “GET ME THE TF OUT OF HERE.”
Naturally, I was very thankful and intrigued to see that Oliver Goodman ’17 was already thinking about who should speak at Wesleyan Commencement 2017. Monday night, Oliver started circulating a Change.Org petition to bring Kim Kardashian to speak as our 2017 Commencement Speaker. The petition now has 81 supporters. I interviewed Oliver about the petition for funsies:
I saw that you put a petition on various places on the internet to get Kim Kardashian to come speak for Wesleyan commencement 2017. Why?
Oliver Goodman ’17: Why? That’s a really good question. Well, she’s Kim Kardashian. I mean, look at her, she’s famous for being famous. I think that the Kardashians are…there’s a reason that the show works. There’s a reason that the show is the most-watched TV show on television.
And it’s fascinating to see Kris Jenner manipulate and distort and trick her children into constantly relying on her, so she can profit off of it. With that being said, I think Kim has been the most receptive to Kris and Ryan Seacrest and she is an incredible businesswoman. And she’s brilliant. I think Kim Kardashian is one of the smartest people alive.
A couple people that have spoken at Wesleyan in the past are Barack Obama in 2008, Joss Whedon in 2013, and most recently Bryan Stevenson last year of the Equal Justice Initiative. And we traditionally give an honorary degree to a commencement speaker. Do you think Kim would deserve an honorary degree from Wesleyan?
OG: Yeah, absolutely. I mean, no offense to Barack Obama, but she’s Kim Kardashian. As I previously mentioned, she’s brilliant. Courtney went to the University of Arizona and Rob went to USC. But Chloe, Kendall, Kylie, and Kim never had any higher education. I think that everything that Roth stands for and speaks for, in terms of higher education, is really represented through the Kardashian story.
If Kim Kardashian went to Wesleyan, what kind of student would she be? What do you think she would major in? What do you think she would be involved with on campus?
OG: I think that Kim would be involved with a lot on campus. I think Kim would be in Usdan, I think Kim would go to Summies. I think Kim might go to Swings.
OG: She might go to Swings. Yeah, I don’t think she would go to Weshop very often. I think, if she did go to Weshop, she would buy kombucha. What would she major in? MB&B most likely.
How many signatures does your petition on Change.org have?
OG: We actually just reached 50 a couple minutes ago. And it’s been up for less than 24 hours.
What do you want to say to people who might be skeptical of the decision, or people who you might want to recruit to sign?
OG: Just fucking do it. Just fucking sign it.
You’re a senior right?
OG: I am.
So you are going to be sitting in a chair during commencement?
OG: I am.
Can you imagine yourself sitting, watching Kim on the stage? Describe what you would be feeling at that moment.
OG: So, I’ve never actually been to a commencement, but our school colors are black and red. So I can only assume that we would be walking down a red carpet. Imagine walking down a red carpet and shaking the hand of Kim Kardashian while getting your diploma. I mean, what better feeling could you ever have? I mean, it’s Kim Fucking Kardashian.
I’d probably wear some of my Kimoji merch. I don’t know, are you required to wear a graduation robe? Because, I don’t know if you saw, but in the Kim Kardashian app, they had a flash Kimoji merch sale, and I ordered a sweatshirt with the Kimoji of Kim crying on it. I just feel like Kim would be really honored if I chose to wear a sweatshirt of a Kimoji of Kim Kardashian crying on a day that was very special to me and my family.
Do you think Kris would write the speech?
OG: I do. I wouldn’t want her to, because I think it would be inauthentic. But, at the same time, I think it would be the most authentic if Kris wrote this speech. She is her momager.
I have a theory that Kris and Ryan Seacrest write sit down and write the show together. Because Kris and Ryan are both the executive producers, so I imagine Ryan Seacrest would have a lot to do with the speech also. Or he would at least approve it or tweak some things.
Do you think that there would be any student demonstration in response to Kim Kardashian speaking?
OG: Oh, it’s Wesleyan. Absolutely.
Okay last question. Well, it’s not really a question. It’s a suggestion. I personally would love to see Kris Jenner write a speech that plagiarizes Melania Trump plagiarizing Michelle Obama, and have it be spoken by Kim Kardashian.
OG: I feel like that would be too meta, almost to say because Wesleyan kids are obsessed with things that are meta. And to have something meta like that–I don’t know if you would call that pseudo-ironic–or maybe it would be a cliché is what it would be.
I feel like it would be too meta that it would collapse in on itself and Kim would be designated the sole author of everything that she said.
OG: Or Kim would turn into a black hole and everyone would get sucked into her void. Which is kind of how I felt since I started watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians last week.
Yeah, yeah. I feel like that. About Wesleyan.