What Your EPortfolio Theme Says About You: A Listicle

Hi friends and fam! Alec Shea ’18, one of our ~devoted twitter followers~, submitted a kind and interesting suggestion. Here it is:

OK! Gonna do it!!!!!!!!! Here we go!


  1. CARDINAL
    You live the cardinal. You are the cardinal. You have let the cardinal consume your soul. The cardinal is your spirit. You have really weird sex dreams probably. You integrate the phrase “this is why” into at least five conversations per day. Your favorite time of year is when the Forbes college rankings come out. You are not scared of clowns.
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  2. SILVERLINE
    You are pretending to be a ~serious Wes kid~. Your life IRL is a fucking mess (dirty clothes all over your dorm, seven empty tubes of toothpaste in your bathroom), and you’re trying to compensate by making your life URL very clean. You own seven Wesleyan sweatshirts and continue to wear them even though you know our merch is ugly as shit.
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  3. SPOOKY
    Cats are your favorite animals, but you’re allergic to them. Sad. You like Halloween. You throw costume parties at least three times a year. You think couples costumes are a sin against God, though. You went to the observatory once and you thought about taking astronomy but it conflicted with your poetry class.
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  4. DANCE
    You are certainly not a dancer, but you did play a lot of DDR when you were younger. On your Wii, though, not your Xbox — you certainly weren’t cool enough to have an Xbox. You thought that this old iPod commercial was innovative and aesthetically pleasing. You bought your first iPod after watching said commercial.
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  5. MODERNO
    You posted a lot in WesAdmits when you were a prefrosh. Like, all the time. You think all the EPortfolio themes are sinfully ugly, but this one is the least objectionable, you guess.
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  6. MODERNO2
    You were team Jacob when you read Twilight. Vampires are cool but werewolves are cooler. You read Fifty Shades of Grey after you saw your mom (or some old lady on a subway) reading it. You will never admit that you read Fifty Shades of Grey to anyone. At first, you really liked it, but then you realized it was problematic like a year after you read it. It’s okay though! We all grow.
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  7. FALL
    You order pumpkin spice lattes. You came to Wesleyan because you like New England Falls™. You signed Oliver Goodman ’17‘s Kim Kardashian petition immediately. Kim is a cultural icon and you know it.
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  8. SCIENCE
    One time, when it was really late at night and no one was in the Exley lobby, you looked at all of those weird ass photographs for like 45 minutes. You still call it 41 Wyllys even though you totally get why they renamed it to Boger Hall (you just don’t want to be seen as one of the ~early adopters~). He’s a genius. Science photographs are genius. Everything is genius. You’re a genius. Also, you’ve never taken a science class in your whole goddamn life lol.
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  9. PANORAMIA
    You’re boring. But “Fall” was too obvious, so you went with Panoramia. Why isn’t it called Panorama. You don’t know, but it doesn’t really bother you. Your best friend from home is your dog. Your dog has a human name probably.
    screen-shot-2016-09-11-at-5-50-03-pm-min
  10. VINTAGE
    Literally, delete your account. Why are you this way. Be better.
    screen-shot-2016-09-11-at-5-50-13-pm-min
  11. ORIGINAL
    You literally don’t give a fuck. Your family decorated your dorm room with Room Essentials from Target and you didn’t even bother to go with them to pick anything out. You don’t have a favorite color notebook that you buy every semester. You have never given a single thought to the aesthetic of anything in your life. You’re a fucking monster. No one really understands you.
    screen-shot-2016-09-11-at-5-50-26-pm

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