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Here’s What Didn’t Cause the 4:30AM HiRise Fire Alarm

Why did I write this omg.

hiriseNot too long ago, I was traversing a dreamscape which, only naturally, was mired in spaghetti. It was different from the dreamscape you are in now, but we shall address that difference at a later time. For now, let’s just say that you and I are similar enough in essence to know and have knowledge that spaghetti dreams shan’t be interrupted, but ’tis their fate nonetheless. Here is how my dream about spaghetti was interrupted:

At around 4:33AM, the near 180 occupants of HiRise were woken up by a fire alarm so bone-crushing that it made me doubt physical reality. Or, I was just tired as fuck. Whatever. At least one person seemed to be thinking logically about the snafu:

only three boys didn’t manage to find their shirts. there are so many boys. so few without shirts. life is suffering

— jackson barnett (@jacksonbarnett) September 13, 2016


In short, everyone and everything is fine. There was no fire or smoke anywhere, and we all went back in within 15 minutes. But, before I went back to sleep, I made sure some #real #fucking #journalism went down, and have ruled out, through exhaustive verification, these 10 potential culprits off your blame list for the fire alarm:

  1. Michael Roth being nice.
    roth_crowd
  2. Tom Hanks’ sizzling physique.
    tom-hanks
  3. Someone having really kinky sex—with candles.
    candles
  4. The mixtape.
    pokemon
  5. Someone smoking Marijuana, aka the Substance of Satan
    satan
  6. A spontaneously-combusting copy of Infinite Jest. Inb4: Watch this not-so-spontaneous combustion of IJ:
  7. The fiery soul of the Wesleyan anarchist
    photo
  8. The fiery shits of the Summies quesadilla-eater
    53a949833f557
  9. The incendiary ideology behind “Why Liberal Education Matters”

10. Me.

(Visited 79 times, 1 visits today)
Posted by wilk in Featured, General and tagged fire alarm, hirise, im going to go to sleep now, omg im so fkn tired, writing this was fun and therapeutic like counting sheep or whatever on September 13, 2016 at 6:24 AM.

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