Clowns Take Wesleyan?

wesleyanclown

It’s the last thing you’d expect to invade calm and quaint Connecticut, especially after the squirrel epidemic that has still not subsided. And here we are, watching live Facebook streams of people returning to their dorms, declaring bravely that they refuse to die at the hands of a clown. Watch the video if you can muster the strength, cause this shit is terrifying.

Other students were also worrying about potential clowns at Wesleyan:

And then, someone posted on WesAdmits. And now there’s a teach-in.

You fucking heard me right. Out of all things, this student body is obsessing—much like 99% of America—over the pseudo-Dandy that has been rumored to take a nice nighttime tour of Wesleyan’s campus. It’s not like there are enough high-school clowns terrorizing our campus as prospective pre-prefrosh.

These clowns are perplexing in nature, lacking the playful balloon animals and carnival buttered popcorn. So, they’re not your average little kid’s birthday clowns. They do not scream “liberal education matters!”, while caressing a textbook on the intersectionality of clown philosophy and that of the bearded lady, so they clearly don’t attend this college.

Admittedly, this is rather disappointing. There should be more Wesleyan clowns and I demand that the theatre department draft a costume design for the #WesClown: jelly shoes, choker, dark burgundy (clearly edgy) makeup, and a vegan potato sack for the bodice.

For those who live underneath a rock/have given up on checking the WesAdmits Class-of-Whatever page, here’s a quick history of the clown sightings as of recent American history. The first clown sighting was reported over two months ago.

It started off as an “innocent,” creepy sighting of a clown in various locations. Much like those nightmares you’d have as a kid because you forgot to check the closet for monsters, these clowns would stay stationary and stare. After some time, the clowns began luring children into the woods by offering them candy.

The clowns began migrating to the northeast, and began staking out schools, promptly resulting in a number of lockdowns. Social media platforms like Twitter and Facebook blew up with videos of people finding the clowns during their morning commute, at the park, and now even in college dorms

There have also been clown sightings right here in Connecticut, causing some schools in New Haven to ban all clown costumes and officials in Naugatuck to place a police officer at every school.

Tl;dr: this shit is real.

Disclaimer: There have been no verified sightings of clowns in Middletown.

However, I thought it would be appropriate to create a Clown-pocolypse guide. The advice given in this very accurate entry has been accumulated through extensive minutes of scrolling through my timeline and hours of searching through clown memes on Twitter.

Step One: Provoke the clown.

Step Two: Don’t actually provoke the clown. Chances are, they will chase you.

Step Three: Because you were rushing, you didn’t read through all the instructions before going ahead and interacting with the clown. So, run for your fucking life.

Step Negative One: Make sure you actually stop by Freeman three times a week. And cut back on Whey. Foss may have made your calves astonishingly strong, but you need the stamina to run the equivalent distance from the Butts to Usdan to ensure proper safety.

Step Four: Take out your phone.

Step Five: Start recording this shit. (We will update this post with all video submissions of the WesClown)

Step Six: Find random objects on your high-speed chase. For example, any food item served on the weekends at Usdan will serve as good defense tools. Perhaps even a Board of Trustees member, if you can find them. Don’t try looking for a proactive policy set forth by administration to right the wrongs as of past, because they still don’t exactly exist.

Step Seven: Locate a safe place, preferably a very dark place so you can tweet about the happenings. The clown will not be able to locate you from your screen’s backlight as you spend ten minutes trying to unlock your phone because iOS 10 makes no fucking sense. 

Step eight: Now that you’re in your “safe” hutch, within the confines of this campus, examine the clown. What is he wearing? Does he seem bothered by anything? Is he angry that American Horror Story warped clown culture into an unrecognizable? Take notes. He will soon waft the smell of coffee from Espwesso, and follow the olfactory trail, to be led away from your hiding place. You are now safe.

And, voilá! You have survived a clown sighting. Other alternatives include admitting that clowns are a social construct, but that’s not nearly as fun. If you’re still reading, I applaud you. Now, go yonder into the world, and #MakeClownsGreatAgain.