The 5 Day Lifespan of My Tinder Profile

I received this, and was overall just incredible confused. Like, where are you trying to go here?! Are you trying to emulate some sort of grandpa meme? If so, why do you think grandpa meme will be remotely successful? I just have so many questions.

Around a week ago, my FYS was cancelled, which meant that I had the entire day to myself. So, instead of being a decent student and getting ahead of the game, I decide that the rainy day should be dedicated to *self care*. Wearing a bell sleeved sweater, I have a ~lil photo shoot~ with a friend. These pictures actually look pretty awesome, and so, they make their way to my instagram feed.

Since the weather is so shitty, my friends and I stay in and order Hachi for dinner. I order far too much food for myself, but it’s okay because who doesn’t want seafood udon and some sushi? After I finish all of this, I have a seemingly fantastic idea: trek from Bennet to Weshop, and purchase a pint of Ben & Jerry’s.

I return to my friend’s room, and we begin indulging. Naturally, in this rainy-day food stupor, my friends decide to go through their Tinder profiles. Now, I am the last person to do anything Tinder-related.. I just can’t take social interaction via the internet seriously. Trying to make their bios slightly interesting, my friends are throwing ideas back and forth. I chime in, immediately making every bio snarkier and suggesting a more “This is all bullshit” vibe.

“Wait, Mel, you’d have such a cool Tinder profile. You have such artistic photos of yourself,” one of my friends says, which is where this story truly begins.

After approximately ten minutes of my craftily articulated resistance, she says “It could totally be for research purposes. Like a social experiment.” And I really can’t object to social experiments, because I am inherently curious and am also weak-willed when it comes to being sassy on the Internet. So, after receiving a crash course on how the app works, learning to never swipe up, I am on Tinder. I am on Tinder, I say to myself, slightly disappointed that I’ve given in to yet another aspect of Internet culture.

I kept up with the Tinder game for approximately five days, until things got boring and frankly, just strange. Take a look:

I should by saying that I made my bio the intentionally uninteresting, which ironically made for some interesting responses.

My bio: *sigh* I guess this works.

I will call this section Responses to my honestly really bad bio.

This is the first one. At this point, I was a wee frosh on Tinder, so I was fairly impressed with the creativity of the *sigh. Rate: 8/10, lost two points because he forgot the second asterisk





Another decent attempt. Rate: 6/10, particularly because why are you questioning this?







Again, why are you asking about this? I clearly am stating that I am cynical about this, so why are you even going into the hypothetical. I even profess my intentions, and here we go, into another hypothetical situation. *sigh* this really isn’t working…




















After this initial series of messages, I had gotten into two political conversations: one guy started off by asking me “are you like everyone else at Wesleyan?” He then began to argue that it’s totally okay to exploit minorities because we all have to define success by material possessions and, at this point, I was already using all my energy on the elliptical, so that conversation soon died.

While at the gym, I matched with a Turkish guy, which was done intentionally: we are both defying our parents’ wishes by being on this app. The thing is, said bachelor didn’t catch the hint that I was Turkish, so this happened:

TD: What’s up, honey?
Me: When did I become your honey?
*cue confusion*
You ain’t slick, you AIN’T SLICK.











The following day, I had seen the repercussions on swiping right (that’s the direction, right?) on those with slightly intriguing bios.

I received this, and was overall just incredibly confused. Like, where are you trying to go here?! Are you trying to emulate some sort of grandpa meme? If so, why do you think grandpa meme will be remotely successful? I just have so many questions.











By this point, I had given up on the social experiment. This was taking up far too much of my time, and the app was taking over my notifications. I checked my messages every once in a while. Around 75% of them composed of some sort of gif, but this one takes the cake:

I know this was a line to begin a really shitty pickup line, but I will not succumb. So, I went down the anti-capitalist road, and here we are.

I still don’t get dog trends.

I’m actually really proud of myself for this one.
























In terms of relative creativity, I’ll give it to the world of Tinder, ya’ll made me laugh. Seeing Tinder matches around campus was seriously funny and somewhat confusing.

In the end, I took away what I could from all of this:

  1. People are really confused by textual sarcasm. I blame this on the lack of italics.
  2. The progression from shitty pickup line to self-deprecating existentialism is approximately one response.
  3. Coffee seems like a common hobby of many.
  4. I Still Don’t Get The Point Of This
  5. Ugh, whatever.
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2 thoughts on “The 5 Day Lifespan of My Tinder Profile

  1. JSu

    Please do another post with this app called “coffee and bagels”! (you’ll at least get coffee out of it) -hubby

  2. Rick Kasten

    Use and understanding of textual sarcasm is probably the best predictor of a genuine match IRL. Those of us who require it spend a long to finding another who gets it, so you’re not alone.

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