Earlier this week, I had another one of those encounters with wild animals, and, this time, I really thought that I was going to die. I’m not going to talk about this experience today, however. Instead, I’m going to talk about a much more serious matter, worthy of addressing with you all today.
You see, we’ve been invaded. Yes, you heard that right. Wild animals are taking over every facet of our lives at Wesleyan. Well, to be precise, squirrels are taking over our lives. I did not realize that this was the case, however, up until this past week, when I felt an overwhelming amount of anxiety after hearing some stories of encounters with wild animals that go beyond the typical “I got attacked by a squirrel/bear/mosquito” story.
For instance, one student, Michelle, points out why the fork pile has been low at Swings: “The other day I saw a baby squirrel at Swings under one of the outside tables. It had a plastic fork in its paws and was just nibbling away at it without a care in the world. I think one of the Swings staff may have gotten a picture of it! Definitely the cutest thing I’ve seen in a while!”
How long until there are no forks left at Swings?
Another student, Harold, makes a remark on how squirrels are consuming our precious, limited resources: “I once bore witness to a squirrel outside of the northwest side of WestCo carrying and eating an entire slice of pizza, and not just a regular slice, but a large slice you can get at those places where you can order pizza by the slice, the type of slice that’s so big that the end droops down like a floppy dog ear.
But this majestic sight was ruined by other students who chased after the squirrel with their cameras and their bad intentions. I know pizza probably isn’t healthy for them, but even squirrels deserve a cheat day, and more importantly, they deserve to be given a wide berth when they are feasting.”
What’s going to happen when they start taking on hot beverages during winter? #WesPlague^100
Another member of the community even suggests a possible conspiracy of squirrels to take over the administration: “I saw Roth look a squirrel in the eye. He then took several smart steps towards it. When it ran away, he walked back to the path as if nothing untoward had occurred. Is he secretly crazy?”
What would we have for lunch if squirrels were in charge? Nuts?
I wish I had a solution for you all, but, the truth is, I honestly have no idea of what our lives will be like from today on. Who knows, in a few months we might find ourselves jumping around in the grass, climbing trees, and looking for nuts. We might even grow a furry tail. Or worse, we might like it.
In such critical times, it is more important than ever that you tell us at about your encounters with wild animals at staff[at]wesleying[dot]org or in the tipbox so we can further analyze this matter.