How to Plan a Rager

 

There is no literary platform in the Wesleyan community, barring a certain student blog, that allows for the creativity and unique personalities of our students to shine more than the Facebook descriptions in a pregame invite.

Crude sexual references, lack of capitalization, and an air of inclusivity all contribute to the brilliance of these works of art. Using the archive of invites I received over this past semester as my basic outline, I have taken it upon myself, without the permission of my readers, to craft the perfect Facebook invite. I should be so lucky to have this example added to an already robust literary canon:

yooooooo come thru lowrise for some bumpin’ toons and be ready to dance your woes away!¡!¡!¡! show up with friends and frat cleats and let us show u how its really done on fridays. cum find out and get wreckedddd! ;)

WesIDs will be checked at the door. Jk lollll

Several universal points must be established in every pregame invite:

The first is that the music will be good. I tried to emulate this promise in the words “bumpin’ toons.” Misspelled to add character.

The second is a gentle roast of the people who are to attend the pregame. I have selected the “bro” demographic, a population that generally wears the popular snow boot, “bean boots.” Unfortunately, this demographic has renamed these boots, “frat cleats.”

Third, one must emphasize the true lack of parties thrown on Friday nights. These parties function as an alternate activity to arriving at an entirely silent, but nonetheless picturesque, Fountain Ave.

Finally, the friendly nature of the pregame hosts must be portrayed. You cannot go awry on this front with a casual “WesID” reference.

I hope readers have found this break-down insightful and riveting. In your next Facebook invite, please strive to follow these rigid guidelines to insure maximum turnout.