Someone Made a Crushes Facebook Group and Why the Fuck are WE not CRUSHED On?!

I’m not salty that someone hasn’t professed their crush on me.

But I am currently matching my red beret with my red lipstick because ~studying abroad in Europe~, and I’m just,,,disappointed.

In case you didn’t see the newest development in “Wesleyan attempts to make another Facebook page outside of Soggy We$ Memes,” someone decided to create a Wesleyan Crushes Facebook group. Now, because I’m hopeful that one day Wesleyan will transform into a campus with some actual romance (and maybe also because I just made a playlist called “when in the mood for monogamy”), I’m willing to find my Wesleyan husband™ not via a Pi Cafe Romance™, but through a community with Roth’s face as the profile pic. I’ve been single for way too long.

Since I’m six hours ahead of ya’ll, I was informed of this new matchmaking/hookup-making/maybe even wholesome content-making platform at around 5 AM. And I’m not sure how I coherently sent this message to the editors’ chat, but this happened:

Now, I’ve had my hand in Internet Dating Culture™ for the purposes of making a fool of myself on Wesleying. This time, I’ve taken it upon myself to make sure the Wesleying Editors are painted in the best light so that, dear Wesleyan community, we can receive validation via this platform.

Tl;dr: I’m writing dating profiles for all of the Wesleying editors (plus haikus).

Because this is where I am this finals week.

Jan kan ikke lide tager examen og skriver opgave. 

I’ve decided to organize this dating profile into “types,” because although Wesleyan doesn’t like to categorize people, I’ve been in Denmark for four months, so the real world has gotten to me. I’m going to write these in the form of a recipe, because why the hell not. I’m also going to be pulling from each person’s Instagrams for two reasons: 1) inside jokes 2) this will incentivize you to stalk them, and therefore, fall in love with them.

Michelle: The Frat Girl Who Also Writes Refrigerator Poetry

wholesome content here

bernie, but make it a girl

except, not really

So imagine you’re making a latke, but like, not potatoes.

Instead of a potato base, we’re going to add some wholesome content™. The type of wholesome content you want to surround yourself around during the holidays. Like, cinnamon spice wholesome content™. Now, add some Democratic Socialism. Oh, you thought this wholesome content™ was just WHOLESOME? Absolutely not. This wholesome content™ comes with a healthy serving of BADASSERY. If you’re looking for a latke that gives a shit about people, this is the latke for you. We have the two main ingredients: badass wholesome content. We need to ~spice things up~, so now add in the aesthetics:

  1. an adorable face that the ‘rents will approve of
  2. that English major look but make it hot
  3. the managing editor of wesleying this girl can MULTITASK badassery

Now, we’re going to cook the latkes, but hear me clearly: the latkes must be cooked to absolute perfection. A Michelle Latke™ must be a 5/5, would recommend again. It must be good enough that Alpha Delt Alumni will create a scholarship fund in honor of the latke. Bon appetit.

Saadia: Will Probably Stage the next Wesleyan Coup

i do not know golf

but it involves some physics

late to the train, cool

Imagine an arugula salad. There’s a lot happening in an arugula salad, but in a balanced way. A Saadia Salad would be the perfect blend between the chemistry of the salad, but make it a humanistic approach. (I KNOW IT SOUNDS IMPOSSIBLE BUT SHE DOES BOTH SiSP AND GOV AND wow I’m just…wow. A gal who breaks meme culture? A person who can solve the tension between students who complain about orgo and students who complain about readings? A true world changer). So, you add a really good quality goat cheese––because we’re talking about quality here––and some non-problematic romaine lettuce. Saadia salad is a sight for sore eyes: you gotta add all of the fancy garnishes that are available at the DFC salad bar. Yes, we’re talkin’ about yogurt covered raisins. Make sure to add some olive oil that’s just fun to be around. (This analogy isn’t working. Saadia is wonderful and brings a lot of joy to my life, and she’s as rare as this really expensive olive oil that I saw on the Turkish* news this Thanksgiving). A salad you will never forget.

*The link is definitely in Turkish, but tl;dr: the olive oil was sold for 22,000 Turkish lira, around $4,000. Like, philanthropic rare.)

Fern: The Twitterless Mysterio, but make it A Good Thing™ 

A Twitterless pal

normally ~questionable~

But is still a fave

So, Fern doesn’t have any food pictures, but there is a photo of Fern in a shark, so I’m going to work with the Feast of the Seven Fishes dinner thing that Italians do for Christmas.

You see, Twitter allows you to see the true colors of a person. Fern, like the Seven Fishes dinner thing, is a mystery because a) how am I gonna see what memes one likes without twitter b) i literally know nothing about this Christmas tradition other than the pictures of food my “Italian” friends post once a year. But I do know one thing: you can’t get enough of either. Fern is filled with surprises but brings the family together. To Make a Fern Fish Feast (holy shit I love this alliteration), take some wholesome instagram captions (because we at Wesleying are here for some good, wholesome editors) and spice it up with moments of hilarity where the fish just pops out of nowhere and spreads comedic gold. Works well with all wines. Works well with anything, really. If you want a dinner that is sure to impress the family and give people a good time, this is the meal for you.

un meli-melo: That Exploding Bottle of Prosecco You Accidentally Shook

somehow always there for me

when i am in crisis mode

 is she=crisis mode*?

Instead, I have gone through her tagged photos and have found the true gem: USDAN VEGAN TOFU SCRAMBLE. So, to make some tofu scramble, you need some utter chaos, but in all the good ways. See, Usdan Vegan Tofu Scramble breaks all the laws of food cuisine, partly because how does one scramble tofu?, so un meli-melo embodies this question: how does un meli-melo,un meli-melo? If you’re looking for a gal/tofu/this-analogy-is-getting-out-of-hand who confuses you, yet is a delightful surprises, this is the recipe for you.

We’ve already started with anarchist tofu. Add some spices, becauseun meli-melo will add some spice to your bland-ass life. Then, add the supplementary ingredients: adorableness, hilarity, and a good ingredient to rant to at all times. See, the un meli-melo Vegan Tofu Scramble may perpetually confuse you, but she is a staple in your life. She grounds you at the right time on weekend afternoons. She reminds you of the important things: being yaself.

*grammar things do not count as syllables

Melisa: The Turkish Delight™

the young cat lady

forever existential

in need of coffee

I clearly don’t do a good job of making boys like me (ha, ha, ha #foreveralone? can we bring that meme back?), so this dating profile probably isn’t doing me any favors.

My last food picture is of a traditional Turkish/muhacir food called perushka, but I don’t want to offend my aunts with this appropriation, so I’ll settle on the next food thing: some yogurt with granola and mulberry molasses.

See, the thing about this yogurt is that since it’s Turkish, it will let you know it’s Turkish. Hand-made, str8 from the land of the hazelnuts. No GMOs, no white preservative bullshit. To make a Melisa Plain Yogurt, But Sweetened With LITERAL Molasses, take some of that yogurt. It’s sour at first and will probably make some borderline offensive (to herself) self-deprecating jokes. Then, add some mulberry molasses, which will arguably remind you that it is Turkish again as if it wasn’t already enough. The mulberry molasses is a LOT, so make sure to only add a little amount. Imagine the molasses to be me, breaking out into song. When you first make this mixture, you’ll definitely add too much. Once you mature and get the hang of being an adult, you’ll add just the right amount, perhaps. Then, the garnishes: granola in the form of cat references, bananas that symbolize baking skills, and some blueberries because we’re extra here.

For good measure, add something coffee related. It’ll bring the entire yogurt together.

 

Tl;dr: pls give us compliments. crush on us. we r good people in need of some lovin’. i can bake cupcakes, and am damn good at making them.