Procrastination Destination: What Mariah Carey is doing right now

Welcome to the first installment of Procrastination Destination, where Wesleying provides you #content to get you through finals!

Mariah Carey in December

Like any good Wesleyan student during finals season, I’ve got Mariah on my mind:

On the day after Thanksgiving, Mariah Carey awakens from her slumber. Her eyelids flutter open and she takes a big breath in, stretching her arms and cracking her back. She senses the slight change in the air, a little spring in her step, and sees in the mirror that she looks about five years younger. Christmas is upon us, she whispers with a grin.

In mid-December Mariah is at her peak. She’s posting more on social media than she has all year, and she is radiant. She shares a video of her children singing backup vocals to All I Want For Christmas in the car, but by comparison their “And I”s are weak against Mariah’s power ballad-ing. She’s hitting every high note. Her cholesterol is down.

It’s Christmas morning, and Mariah Carey has the strength of eight mid-sized reindeer. Her scales can be heard within a half-mile radius, and the doctor has prescribed her earmuffs to wear at all times because the sound of jingle-bells has the same effect on her brain as cocaine. While her family opens presents, she sings All I Want For Christmas on a loop in different styles and asks them for feedback. Just kidding, she says. She knows it’s perfect. She can read minds.

On December 26th, Mariah Carey wakes up with one of the worse post-Christmas hangovers she’s had since 1994. All of December is a haze. The high-pitched “youuuuu” from the end of her famous bop rings in her ears. She puts her diva eye mask back over her head and cocoons herself with blankets. She doesn’t have time for this, she thinks, and recedes back into hibernation.

Mariah Carey, January – November