Hot for Teacher: The Best On-Campus Date Spots for You and Your Secret Professor Lover

Editor’s Note: While it can be fun to joke about professor crushes, we want to emphasize that this post represents fictional situations, and that we do not promote such relationships in real life. We don’t want to make light of the actual harmful power dynamics that can arise from these prohibited relationships. Furthermore, research and experiences of Wesleyan professors have shown that the objectification of female and non-white professors is a barrier to them advancing in their fields, particularly when it comes to course evaluations.

Wesleying extends our support and our platform to any survivor of sexual misconduct who wishes to share their story. We condemn all forms of sexual misconduct including professor-student relationships and discriminatory employment practices based on gender. If you believe that you or someone else has been the recipient of such advances, you can always reach out to SACE Director Johanna DeBari or SACE Intern Rachele Merliss ‘19 to talk, and you can find a complete list of on- and off-campus resources here.

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We all know how it starts: First they asked the class to call them by their first name, but soon enough you’re giving each other the eyes in Tishler and making out in Music Studios practice rooms. What started out as a spark has turned into an illicit romance between you and a man or woman a decade or four older than you. What now?

Fear not! If you’re an aspiring Emmanuel Macron struggling on how and where to spend extra-curricular time with your Brigette, we’ve got you covered. The criteria:

Intimacy: How romantic is it?
Privacy: How secluded is it?
Convenience: How accessible is it?
Covertness: How easy would it be to explain to a nosy Michael Roth?

Let’s get that extra credit!

Daniel Family Commons (Lunch)

The penthouse of Usdan, the DFC is a staple of the student-faculty relationship at Wesleyan. Professors and undergrads frequently share a meal in this “spacious dining area,” so a quick brush of the fingers with your snack-ademic won’t look out of place; just don’t get too handsy! The downside: Usdan’s lunch options are often unreliable, and today it’s fish.

Intimacy: 2 / 5
Privacy: 2 / 5
Convenience: 5 / 5
Covertness: 5 / 5

Pi Cafe (Mid-Morning)

If you want something more casual, look no further! Wesleyan’s third-best coffee joint is the perfect place to discourse with your STEM bae about rats or drosophila. The downside: It’s often crowded, cold air keeps rushing in from the outside when the door opens, and your hot chocolate’s all clumpy at the bottom.

Intimacy: 1 / 5
Privacy: 2 / 5
Convenience: 3 / 5
Covertness: 4 / 5

Star & Crescent Restaurant (Dinner)

Yeah, you might get some weird looks from your fellow students at this ADP establishment, but what do you care? This cozy restaurant contains all the ingredients for romance, with tableside service, good food, and a hot piece of PhD ass across from you. If you’re a freshman, you might even get your meal for free! The downside: It’s weird. Suuuuper weird.

Intimacy: 3 / 5
Privacy: 3 / 5
Convenience: 3 / 5
Covertness: 2 / 5

The Lab (Night)

Some of you might already spend your entire day at Exley — why not your night too? Bunsen burners make perfect mood-lighting, and there’s chemistry in the air: literally. You’ll finally get some time with your special tenured someone, as long as you watch out for those overzealous grad students! The downside: overzealous grad students.

Intimacy: 2.5 / 5
Privacy: 3 / 5
Convenience: 5 / 5
Covertness: 4 / 5

Sunny Day on Foss (Afternoon)

Nice weather doesn’t come often in Middletown, so you need to take advantage — by lounging in the grass with your Hunky History Buff. The downside: You’re continuously distracted from your discussion on John A. MacDonald’s legacy by all the staring students, and in hindsight the picnic basket was not quite as stealthy as you had hoped.

Intimacy: 4 / 5
Privacy: 1 / 5
Convenience: 3 / 5
Covertness: 1 / 5

Office Hours (Mondays and Wednesdays, Noon – 2pm)

It’s the perfect cover: you tell your friends that you’re going in for some “extra help,” but in reality you’re getting your feet massaged while your Associate Professor of Love serenades you in lilting italiano. The downside: It’s the middle of the day, the room smells funky, and there’s someone else from your class knocking at the door.

Intimacy: 3 / 5
Privacy: 3 / 5
Convenience: 5 / 5
Covertness: 5 / 5

Office Hours (After Hours)

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Intimacy: 5 / 5
Privacy: 5 / 5
Convenience: 5 / 5
Covertness: ??? / 5

Happy Valentine’s Day!