Hot Take: New England Fall Actually Sucks

 

When I first told people that I had decided on Wesleyan (and then explained to them what/where Wesleyan is, I swear to god, nobody has ever heard of this school), they would say “Oh wow, fall is going to be so beautiful up there! You’re so lucky!” I entered my freshman year with a fervent anticipation of the legendary New England Autumn. I allowed myself to get swept up in the hype and the beautiful foliage. But now, in my junior year, I’m at home for the semester, and I can say definitively that New England fall actually SUCKS.

I can hear your gasps of horror echoing from the future as I write this, but hear me out. First of all, fall in Connecticut is a three day affair, AT MOST. For the first couple of weeks of the semester, it’s still hot out, and we have to contend with un-air conditioned dorms and sweaty butt prints on our seats for the people in the class before. Then we have a split second of “fall” where it’s 50 degrees and the sun is out and a football game is played and then BAM it’s winter now and sleeting and you’re thinking of sharing a bed with your roommate just to keep warm because Welsleyan won’t turn on the heat in residence halls until it gets below freezing three nights in a row (This is true. Not the roommate snuggling thing (at least for me. You do you tho), but the dorm heating thing). 

“But what about the leaves?!?!?” you may cry. Again, three days! The trees are beautiful when they have their color, but that lasts for about a weekend (Homecoming Weekend, if Mikey Roth can time it right). It’s a blink and you miss it kind of affair. They’re pretty until it starts pouring down rain and then the beauty of nature gets shut down real fast. 

My final qualm with Connecticut autumn is technically not about it itself, but fuck it this is my article and I’m on a complaining roll. No matter how pretty and how perfect and how idyllic these three days of fall are, they are overshadowed by the looming truth that they are a prelude to approximately 100000 days of winter. Once fall is over, it’s basically winter until we go home in May. Never again is it truly warm enough to wear shorts. We are doomed to be overrun by Canada Geese for eternity. 

I am spending this semester at home in Virginia, where I had spent many autumns prior to college. And I gotta say, it has an A+ fall. Yes, the trees may not be as bright, and you’re going to get an 80 degree day here and there until November, but generally, it’s a good time. You have about 2 1/2 months of solid 50 degree days. So while all y’all who are up at school are busy Instagramming your foliage pics and fall look books, I’ll be sitting at home knowing better. Fuck New England fall. Don’t @ me.