To the Wesleyan community,
Greetings. Today I write to commend you on your solitude (so far, read on) on this day usually reserved for displays of affection, even love. That being said, the administration understands the toll the suppression of sexuality takes on the developing mind and has been hard at work with local and state officials to reach a compromise on your behalf.
So recognizing, and despite, the development of highly contagious COVID strains, the mandatory two week campus quarantine, and the national guidelines set by the CDC Wesleyan University has been given the green light to declare a 24 hour quarantine “purge”.
Many of you may already be familiar with the hit 2013 film The Purge, and while our version might be marginally less violent I think you’ll come to see that the basic concept subscribes tot the same framework.
At 5 pm tonight, Valentine’s Day, you will hear a loud horn playing throughout campus. This will signal the beginning of the 24 hours during which students will be allowed to break quarantine in order to engage in physical relations, “hook up,” without disciplinary action.
We expect this program to be controversial, but measures are already in place to counteract the backlash. The administration has decided to dip into the endowment to preemptively pay off the Wesleyan alum at the New York Times who seems hell-bent on bringing us down at all costs.
This is normally the part of the email where I’d no you all to stay safe, to continue following our otherwise strict safety guidelines, and to refer to the updated Student COVID Code of Conduct, but now that feels pretty moot anyway.
After this thought I don’t want a single person emailing me with some inane question their about having their friend visit campus, okay? Seriously—WTF?
Anyway, I wish you all an exciting 24 hours.
With safety and good health,
Lom McLearney, MD