Y’all, we’ve finally made it. The Daily Wire (the stupid conservative news outlet created by short-but-not-a-king pundit Ben Shapiro) wrote an EXCLUSIVE article article entitled “Wesleyan Encourages Students To Masturbate, Take ‘Kink Quizzes’ In Mandatory COVID Module”. Apparently they had an ~informant~ in the student body that alerted them to the anti-American, pro-Communist things that the Wesleyan COVID Moodle was telling us about sex. And let me tell you, this article is one of the best things I’ve ever read.
I’ll start by saying that Wesleyan’s Safe Sex During COVID suggestions are a big meme. Our school is straight up telling us to write erotic fanfic instead of hooking up. Reading the phrase “good old fashioned phone sex” written by the health care staff at this university killed many a libido, I’m sure. When the COVID Moodle came out, my friends and I had a good laugh over this part, but then forgot about it. The same can be said for much of the student body, if I had to guess. But we were all wrong to push it aside, as it is DANGEROUS LIBERAL PROPAGANDA SET ON DESTROYING THE CHRISTIAN VALUES OF THIS GOOD NATION!!!!!!
Throwback to when Benathan self-owned himself into the sun
Most of the Daily Wire article directly quotes the Sexual Health section of the Moodle, but frames Welseyan’s advice as something terrifying and aggressive. It says that the Sexual Health module “raised the eyebrows of multiple students,” and discusses things like masturbation and dirty talk with an air of alarm. The article raises its own eyebrows at WesWell: “WesWell also distributes free lube and condoms on campus and has a library for students with a selection of contentious books, like one titled ‘Secret Sisters: Stories of Being Lesbian and Bisexual in a College Sorority’ and another titled ‘Lesbian Sex.'” The author really tries to gloss over the fact that the university made this module to try in vain to keep us from having conventional sex, saying: “The university conceded that ‘connecting doesn’t always have to include sex either,’ which students indicated to The Daily Wire they view as a given. Yet, Wesleyan states that it recognizes ‘that an ‘abstinence-only’ practice during COVID isn’t realistic.'”
For this entire section of the article, the Moodle page is painted like some sort of classified document they got their hands on, which I think is hilarious. Who knew Moodle would ever be taken so seriously?
Bold of Bennifer to drag other people on their sexual behavior when he, despite what he may claim, has never had sex in his life
After essentially writing down the Sexual Health page verbatim, the article turns to some outside opinions (!!!). It quotes the Chair of the Middletown Republican Town Committee (lol) saying that he was “flabbergasted” by the Moodle and would pull his child out of school if they went here. A Connecticut State Senator said “This ‘quiz’ and these ‘resources’ are indicators of the decline of American higher education, where there is less and less focus on academic enrichment, and more on promoting radical, and sadly often anti-American, cultural change.” Apparently a school cannot encourage healthy sexual practices and also provide an education at the same time.
This article is a sight to behold, but the comments. Oh the comments. They are truly spectacular. I have curated the best of the best right here for you, dear reader. Enjoy.
“I live a ten minute walk from there. I drive through it to my gym. Those kids all look EXACTLY like every LibsofTikTok video you’ve ever seen. This is not surprising at all.”
“Since when has an abstinence lifestyle not been practical? I happen to know quite a few people that live like that. It just hit me that modern morals really do reduce humans to animals. It’s no longer expected that we have the ability to manage our sexual impulses well enough to keep them inside the bounds of marriage. I’ve known a number of couples who shared their first kiss at their wedding, so surely these students can live without oral dams. When we create low expectations for society, we get colleges giving health tips for using “toys.” When we create high expectations, we get old-fashioned “blushing brides.” I can’t help but think the latter is better for society in general. What happened to that once highly regarded character trait called self-control?”
That feel when you decide to be abstinent because it’s practical
“How is this not sexual harassment? If I told one of my employees to start “self love” I would be fired in an instant. These students need to sue.”
“But maury,” you may say, “Beniveve has three children. He must have had sex at least thrice.” Au contraire; I present to you: the turkey baster
“Is this a training seminar for cnn hosts?”
“Wesleyan has always been a hive of scum and villainy; it makes UC Berkeley seem like Brigham Young University. Any parent who sends their kids there is getting exactly what they paid for.”
So hear me out: “hive of scum and villainy” originally refers to Mos Eisley in A New Hope, which is like… objectively a sickass place. Getting to meet Han Solo and Chewbacca and a bunch of other cool aliens? Sign me up. Also can we have merch that says “Wesleyan University: A Hive of Scum and Villainy” pls.
“This is extremely vulgar and disgusting. It takes a lot these days to make me truly cringe, and this did it. Wow. It’s like no formal schooling is safe anymore. It’s not about actual education these days, and that is extremely frightening to realize.”
“So sad to see. went to school in Boston. Everyone wanted to date a Wesleyan woman. They were classy. Now? All they seem to be offered by the college is a degree in Porn studies. The destruction of American education is happening.”
I’m pretty sure this person is thinking of Wellesley smh.
“THESE SO CALLED “PEOPLE”…ARE STRAIGHT OUT FREAKS!!! THEY ARE NOT HUMAN…ALIEN LIFE DOES EXIST OBVIOUSLY, BECAUSE THESE DOMESTIC COMMUNISTS HAVE GOT TO BE FROM ANOTHER PLANET!!????”
“So, now you can get a master’s degree, PhD or BA degree in masturbatology?”
Honestly, this article made my day. And if anyone knows Ben Shapiro, please email this to him. It’s my dream to get a cease and desist letter.