I woke up from my finals-induced stress nap and opened the Wesleying Gmail account. I clicked on the label marked “NOVEMBEARD.” My heart leaped–then I realized that only five of the submissions were from this year. I’ll admit it: I was a little disappointed. But then I looked at them. And they were glorious.
We got five submissions total, and each of them is a winner. If this is an accurate cross-section of the Novembeard results this semester, then there are probably a lot of beautiful beards out there that will go unrecognized today–but this is how it has to be. Nevertheless, this is a good payoff.
Wesleyan students: FEAST YOUR EYES.
Dear Wesleyan students,
Speaking of Marx…
As you may or may not know, the end of November is quickly approaching. And, well, I’m not super optimistic that everyone who grew a beard this glorious month is planning to keep it for Thanksgiving–you may not want your drunk conservative uncle calling you a Marxist hippie. Totally understandable. Wait, that would probably be a point of pride for you.
Okay, I’ll get to the point: Before you clearcut your faceforest, please please please just snap a picture with your phone and send it to staff(at)wesleying(dot)org. Why? Because we have a professional team of dudes we found at the bus station who are going to judge them according to certain criteria, such as “best neard” (see past winner Thoreau) or, and I’m just spitballing here, maybe like, “thickest,” “reddest,” “patchiest,” “most well-sculpted,” etc.
Anyway, I really hope we get a lot of great submissions this year. I’ve seen some bitchingly fuzzy faces around campus, so I expect I won’t be disappointed. I will conclude with this factoid: The only member of ZZ Top without a beard is Frank Beard.
Enjoy your break!
This week, noted satiricists at The Onion released a video depicting a fictional Wesleyan graduate talking about how he “doesn’t know how [his] parents [are] ever going to pay off [his] massive student loan debt.” Sources confirm that The Onion releases news stories that are false, yet satirize or critique some aspects of American culture.
“Look, The Onion has been taking some big risks lately,” says Devin Asterisk ’16, “but this is taking it way too far.” Citing recent The Onion intern’s tweets about the Beasts of the Southern Wild star, the student adds, “I feel like Quvenzhané, but worse, because it’s me.”
“Look,” says Mary Studentname ’17, “It’s not that easy having a lot of money. But, of course, it’s in The Onion’s interest to veil our reality in destructive lies, all in the interest of ‘comedy,'” ze concluded, employing hir pointer and index fingers to make scare quotes around the final word. When asked to elaborate on hir point about the difficulties of having money, Studentname responded, “I don’t like the way you’re attacking me right now. It makes me feel very upset.”
Sources confirm that Wesleyan alumnus Gus Spelman ’11 works at The Onion, and could be partially responsible for the content of this video. One very high-up member of the Wesleyan faculty who wishes to remain anonymous but whose name rhymes with Richael Moth says, “That Spelman is a fucking traitor. Also he didn’t donate a penny.”
Watch the video here.
Click here for other mentions of Wesleyan in The Onion.
From Ari Ebstein ’16 and Yael Horowitz ’17:
Ever thought that you could really use something sweet and homemade to go with your late night coffee and studying?
Of course you have. Come to Espwesso on Wednesday night (tonight) for some awesome treats! They will be sold at a low cost, and all proceeds will go directly to buying lockers to secure the personal property of homeless citizens in Middletown. These lockers are essential for homeless people as there are no other ways to safeguard their few and valuable belongings, which are often stolen because of a lack of proper storage. Come to Espwesso, buy yummy treats, and feel good about it, too.
Date: 20 Nov. 2013
Place: Outside of Espwesso!
Cost: Pay what you can, but pay something.
From Ari Ebstein ’16:
Middletown Potluck is hosting a dinner at First Church (161 Court St.) today from 5:00-7:30. There will be speakers from St. Vincent du Paul’s homelessness outreach group LEADS, and afterwards, there will be an open community forum about the issues of hunger and homeless with the goal of creating one actionable item we can commit to as a community to alleviate some of the struggles associated with hunger and homelessness.
Please come. Cooking at First Church from 1-5– come to help if you can; clothes drive next to St. Vincent from 3-5, for those who want to attend; dinner from 5:00-7:30.
Bring food if you can, as many attendees will come from food insecure backgrounds.
Don’t pretend you’re busy! Come to this!
Date: 16 Nov. 2013
Place: 161 Court St.
Cost: Free, but bringing food is recommended.
The noble squirrel contemplates the unknown, eyes fixed on eternity
My friends often describe squirrels, to my great indignation, as “rats with prettier tails.” I will spare you my feelings on this—suffice it to say that, obviously, the trash-scavenging conditions of squirrels in urban areas has more to do with human encroachment on their habitat than any fault of their own (also, I really love rats)—but here in Middletown we have some squirrel variation that invites greater appreciation. Of course I’m referring here to the beautiful jet-black squirrels that frolic and scavenge about the Wesleyan campus.
From Ari Ebstein ’16:
Hey, do you like music?
Then you’ll love the concert @ Earth House tonight! Headlined by the up-and-coming band The Pluto Moons
Check them out here and here
Other delicious acts include the new BuHo-born band South Station, featuring Anna Schwab ’16, Delaine Winn ’16, Jack Singer ’16, Rachel Augusta Fox ’16, and Leo Grossman ’16 — plus all your juices
And Ari & Arian will kick off the bash with a rap set. Check out our newest song here
9:30 – South Station
10:00 – Ari & Arian
10:30 – The Pluto Moons
SWAG ON LOCK C U DER
Date: 1 Nov. 2013
Place: Earth House, 159 High Street
Russell House’s majestic front belies the hominess of the inside. It is well-lit and there are couches and shelves of books in some of the rooms, giving the impression that a professor just clapped one shut, shelved it, and shuffled off upstairs. The room where Ben Lerner gave his reading is less homey because of the rows of folding chairs, but these only make their appearance during these sorts of events.
This is, of course, about Ben Lerner’s reading, so I will stop discussing interior design.
Are you interested in being on the radio at WESU? Well, if you are, then there’s a mandatory info session at PAC 001 this Sunday, Oct. 6 at 5pm. Go and you will get all of the information you need about the training process and what you can expect.
WESU provides a radio format called free-form radio. In other words, the playlists are (mostly) totally up to the DJs, and the music choices aren’t just meant to keep one listening apathetically until the next commercial break–they are meant to challenge the listener.
So if you’re interested in being a DJ (and your show doesn’t just have to be music-based, it can be a public affairs or talk-show format), come to this info session. If you can’t make it for good reason yet still feel the deep, primal pull inside of you–if you wake up in a cold sweat thinking I just gotta BE ON THE RADIO–you can email Eliza Kingsley-Ma ’15 at ekingsleyma(at)wesleyan(dot)edu.
Date: Sunday, Oct. 6
Place: PAC room 001
Tense and thrilling!
From Noelia Ortiz ’14:
Come audition for Hanna Edizel’s ’14‘s thesis! A tense thriller set amongst the Berlin turnpike’s illustrious 1960s-era motor lodges.
Auditions will be held:
- Friday 9/27 5:30-7:30pm
- Saturday 9/28 5:30-7:30pm
at 41 Wyllys, room 113.
All levels of experience are welcome! No preparation is necessary–casting male and female roles.
Hope to see you there!
Please contact us with any questions or requests for alternate audition times:
Date: 27 and 28 Sept. 2013
Place: 41 Wyllys room 113