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Hot Take: New England Fall Actually Sucks

 

When I first told people that I had decided on Wesleyan (and then explained to them what/where Wesleyan is, I swear to god, nobody has ever heard of this school), they would say “Oh wow, fall is going to be so beautiful up there! You’re so lucky!” I entered my freshman year with a fervent anticipation of the legendary New England Autumn. I allowed myself to get swept up in the hype and the beautiful foliage. But now, in my junior year, I’m at home for the semester, and I can say definitively that New England fall actually SUCKS.

Black Squirrels: A Scientific Perspective

We’ve all seen them. We’ve all talked about them. We’ve even written about them. Wesleyan’s black squirrel population is a source of pride, fear, and gossip for the student body.  Despite their fame, we have never known the true origin story of the black squirrel. Until now. Just last year, a team of scientists from the UK and America published their study on the biological source behind this unique coloration. I’ve compiled all the important information below the cut, but I’ll give you a sneak peek here: it’s because these squirrels fuck.

AU: We Never Update the Points Calculator

Imagine: it’s the middle of the Fall 2020 semester. Corona continues to terrorize the nation. The most important election of our lives is on the horizon. The line for Wesshop wraps around the building. Due to all this strife, one important thing slips under the radar: the points calculator.

It’s October, all of a sudden you’ve become worried that you’ve gone to Swings one too many times. You go to Wesleying to check and yet… the calculator is out of date. How can you possibly figure out if you’ll manage to be fed up until Thanksgiving??? Do the math yourself? Never!!!

It’s Spring 2021. America never took COVID seriously, so quarantine is now the normal way of life. You desperately need to go to Wesshop; your food stores are running low and your roommate is looking at you a little too hungrily. But when you go to the points calculator, the words SPRING 2020 mock you. 

It’s 2022. In his second term, Trump was overthrown by Amazon, emboldened by increased tax breaks and a lust for power. You want to know how many points you have left before you go to the all-new-Amazon-Fresh-run Usdan Cafe. You don’t want to leave your room too often; Bezo’s drones are always watching. But the calculator continues to give you an error. 

It’s 20??. As you wander through the wasteland, the thought of a Chai Charger floats through your radiation-addled mind. If only you knew if you could afford it this week… if only… if only the Wesleying editors had remembered… 

But none of that’s going to happen because we did remember. You can calculate exactly how many points and meals you can spend each day for the rest of the semester by going to the link at the top of the website. You’re welcome. 

Unofficial Orientation 2020: Social Media Directory

This is a repost of hen’s modified repost of a Meli repost of a repostedrepost by wilk taken from caro‘s aggregation station social media directory that Gabe originally made. If you want your own super cool social media up here, hit us up staff[at]wesleying[dot]org.

So many questions. Why the skateboard? Why the tablet? Why are they under a bridge?

This is part of our 2020 Unofficial Orientation Series.  A quick reminder that you can check out the rest of the series here and past years’ series here.

At some point in your career at Wesleyan, The Argus  just won’t come out soon enough or—heaven forbid—Wesleying won’t update quick enough for you to get some vital update or piece of news. Luckily for all of us, the fine people in charge of and around Wesleyan University are on top of this social media wagon, and sometimes, Facebook pages and Twitter feeds are your best shot for up-to-the-minute information. But even beyond the immediate, some of these pages and feeds, run by the departments or by student groups or even by anonymous individuals, can be interesting, thought-provoking, hilarious, and full of discussions, tips, commentary, and quips that will enrich your experience here. Or at the very least, give you a cheap laugh.

Here’s an updated collection of the essential (and currently active) social media accounts, as well as some of Wesleying’s personal favorites. This list isn’t complete, and new accounts are being created every year. Like, does Summies really need a parody Twitter? Chime in once again for things you think were passed over, because the official school-approved list (which doesn’t even include Wesleying) just won’t suffice. There are also individual Twitter feeds (both student and alumni) you’ll find useful to follow, but you’re on your own for discovering those. Nobody uses Pinterest, so don’t bother looking.

An Ode to Animal Crossing

A photo I took with my phone of my Switch screen because Nintendo does not give you an easy way to get screenshots off the device goddammit

The last couple months have not been good. Terrible, if we’re being honest. It has been hard to find hope, or joy, or a reason to get up in the morning (I don’t know about you, but having to wake up and watch someone with a PhD not know how to share their screen every day for 6 weeks just wasn’t really doing it for me). We have to find our happiness wherever we can, no matter how trivial it is. And for me, one of these small sources of happiness has been Animal Crossing. 

Animal Crossing, if you don’t know, is a Nintendo game where you play as a villager in a town (or island in this case) full of animals. You start with nothing, but through the generous interest-free loans of raccoon Tom Nook, you can build a house and start a life. There isn’t much that “happens,” per se, in Animal Crossing; you furnish your house and buy clothes at stores in town, you plant flowers and trees, you talk to your neighbors, you collect fish, bugs, and fossils to put on exhibit in your town’s museum. It is the poster child for a low intensity experience. And that is exactly what I need right now.

In Loving Memory of Mathilde Roth

It is with deep sorrow that we at Wesleying must share that Mathilde Roth, Michael Roth’s dog, passed away recently. Roth posted a tribute to her on his Twitter on April 10th, saying that it’s “So sad to say goodbye to our beloved Mathilde.” As college students, our interactions with pets are far and few between, and I know that for many of us, seeing Mathilde out for a walk around campus was an uplifting sight. Even if we didn’t really get to interact with her, her presence was still felt, and it was obvious that she was a very good girl. She will be missed by all of us. Continue below the cut to see a selection of heartwarming Mathilde photos, and to remember her fondly.

Love in the Time of Coronavirus: Submission Request

Coronavirus is rapidly changing society as we know it, and we at Wesleying want to know how it’s specifically impacting your relationships with those you love. Fill out this form and tell us about any and all of the changes that are happening between you and your significant other, parents, friends, siblings, hookups, teachers, pets, beloved inanimate objects, and everything in between. Your story will be part of an upcoming article!

Procrastination Destination: The Loveland Frog

Today, my friends, I am going to introduce you to my personal favorite cryptid and American legend: The Loveland Frog. The Loveland Frog, aka the Loveland Frogman or the Loveland Lizard, is a four-foot-tall humanoid frog that has been spotted multiple times near Loveland, Ohio. He is said to have leathery skin, webbed hands and feet, and stands on two legs. 

There have been multiple eyewitness accounts of the Loveland Frog throughout the years. Read them under the cut at your own risk.

Local Freshmen Have Emotional Crisis

As the semester nears its end, several local freshmen are coming to the realization that college may not, in fact, be the best time of their lives. This revelation has caused multiple Usdan meltdowns and many failed attempts to drink away reality.

“Everyone has told me my entire life that college will be so fun and I’ll make so many friends and go to so many parties” said A ‘23, who chose to remain anonymous due to the embarrassing fact that she only has two friends, “But like, parties can be gross? I’m too scared to admit to all the adults at home who keep asking if I’m having ‘fun’ that I don’t actually like the taste of beer.” 

 “Man, when I got recruited, I was so ready to be done with high school and just go play lacrosse all day for the Cards” admits Chad McBroson ‘23 “Nobody told me I still had to go to classes and stuff in college! Sometimes I even have to limit my beer pong to one game and then go study and shit. It’s whack.”

Other students have voiced concerns about issues including not meeting the loves of their lives, not discovering themselves, actually missing home and their families a little bit, and not having figured out their “calling” yet. Wesleying suggests that they all just suck it up and lie about all of it like the rest of us. 

The Ultimate Mac and Cheese Cup Review

The Contenders

College is the time in your life for shit food. You’re in a place where you can’t really cook for yourself, but you also don’t have anyone there to cook for you anymore. But just because you have to eat shit food doesn’t mean you don’t deserve the best shit food. And that, dear reader, is where I come in. For your sake, I have taken on the burden of trying all of Weshop’s microwavable mac and cheese cups to definitively determine which one is the best. I chose this specific combination of salt and carbs because it’s one of my favorite shit food options, and what is a more quintessential college food that microwave mac and cheese? (Yes, I know, RAMEN, but if I tried every ramen option at Weshop I would have a heart attack and die from all the sodium so I’m not doing that. Yet.) Each mac will cooked and tasted, then rated via the following criteria:

Ease of Preparation: How many steps are involved in cooking it, and how difficult is it? Could you make it while inebriated? 

Mouthfeel: How is the pasta texture? Does the sauce have a good consistency?

Cheesiness: This one doesn’t need much explanation

Bang for yer Buck: Does it feel like you’re getting a full meal out of this cup? Is the Weshop price reasonable for what you get? 

General Vibes: Just the feeling I’m getting from it, y’know?

In the end, only one will reign supreme. But who will it be? The answer lies under the cut.