Category Archives: Featured

I’m not a simp for Weshop… yet.

You sexy, sexy supermarket.

My Dearest Weshop,

You are the jewel of Middletown, the exemplar of goodness, the light of my life. You’re not like other campus supermarkets: You have personality. You’re so smart and funny! You mean so much to me.

We’ve shared so many moments together. Remember all those times I stopped by to buy an Arizona Iced Tea? And there was that one time I bought vanilla extract for like, 15 points. All for you. I love you, Weshop.

I’ve given you so much. (Because I’m a nice guy!) But now I hope you’ll help me. Because if you want to take this obsessive, parasocial relationship to the next level, there’s just one thing I want from you…

Valentines Day Public Health Update

This parody advertisement of the Pfizer Covid vaccination is a 'sure-shot' way to make your partner happy this Valentine's Day.

 

To the Wesleyan community,

Greetings. Today I write to commend you on your solitude (so far, read on) on this day usually reserved for displays of affection, even love. That being said, the administration understands the toll the suppression of sexuality takes on the developing mind and has been hard at work with local and state officials to reach a compromise on your behalf.

HALLOWEEN COSTUME SUBMISSION 2020!!!

Duh

How is it that Spooky Season is upon us??? Wasn’t it just April???? 

Just like every fucking other thing in our lives, Halloween is going to look a bit different this year. Gone is the opportunity to wear lingerie and call it a costume while walking around in sub-thirty degree weather, and chasing a shot down with fun sized candy bars loses a bit of its luster when you can only do it alone in your dorm.

Wesleying to the rescue! As we have in years past, we’re giving you the opportunity to showcase your Halloween lewks! Submit a picture of your costume here, and then we’ll feature you in a post later in the week. Bonus points if your costume is… topical to the current situation, or if you find a clever way to incorporate your mask. Socially distant/COVID-podded costumes also welcome!

Hot Take: New England Fall Actually Sucks

 

When I first told people that I had decided on Wesleyan (and then explained to them what/where Wesleyan is, I swear to god, nobody has ever heard of this school), they would say “Oh wow, fall is going to be so beautiful up there! You’re so lucky!” I entered my freshman year with a fervent anticipation of the legendary New England Autumn. I allowed myself to get swept up in the hype and the beautiful foliage. But now, in my junior year, I’m at home for the semester, and I can say definitively that New England fall actually SUCKS.

Ranking Green Fictional Characters According to Their Relevance in My Life

 

1. Shrek – (obviously)

2. Mike Wazowski

3. The Geico Gecko – (Save 15% or more on car insurance?)

4. Gamora from Guardians of the Galaxy

5. Disgust from Inside Out – (quiet literally a mood)

6. Larry the Cucumber from Veggie Tales – For your viewing pleasure

7. Oscar the Grouch – “You’d be a grouch, too, if you lived in a trash can!”

8. The aliens from Toy Story that say “the clawwwww”

9. The Hulk (not bruce banner) – Spoiler alert his secret is that he’s always angry

10. The Green M&M – iykyk

11. Wicked Witch of the West/Elphaba

12. Kermit the Frog – Brings light to the difficulties of being green in this economy

12. Rex from Toy Story – “I don’t like confrontations!”

14. The Grinch

15. Yoda – “There is no try”

16. Flubber

17. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – I honestly dk

18. Toad from Frog and Toad

19. The Green Care Bear

20. The Green Giant

21. Gumby

Black Squirrels: A Scientific Perspective

We’ve all seen them. We’ve all talked about them. We’ve even written about them. Wesleyan’s black squirrel population is a source of pride, fear, and gossip for the student body.  Despite their fame, we have never known the true origin story of the black squirrel. Until now. Just last year, a team of scientists from the UK and America published their study on the biological source behind this unique coloration. I’ve compiled all the important information below the cut, but I’ll give you a sneak peek here: it’s because these squirrels fuck.

AU: We Never Update the Points Calculator

Imagine: it’s the middle of the Fall 2020 semester. Corona continues to terrorize the nation. The most important election of our lives is on the horizon. The line for Wesshop wraps around the building. Due to all this strife, one important thing slips under the radar: the points calculator.

It’s October, all of a sudden you’ve become worried that you’ve gone to Swings one too many times. You go to Wesleying to check and yet… the calculator is out of date. How can you possibly figure out if you’ll manage to be fed up until Thanksgiving??? Do the math yourself? Never!!!

It’s Spring 2021. America never took COVID seriously, so quarantine is now the normal way of life. You desperately need to go to Wesshop; your food stores are running low and your roommate is looking at you a little too hungrily. But when you go to the points calculator, the words SPRING 2020 mock you. 

It’s 2022. In his second term, Trump was overthrown by Amazon, emboldened by increased tax breaks and a lust for power. You want to know how many points you have left before you go to the all-new-Amazon-Fresh-run Usdan Cafe. You don’t want to leave your room too often; Bezo’s drones are always watching. But the calculator continues to give you an error. 

It’s 20??. As you wander through the wasteland, the thought of a Chai Charger floats through your radiation-addled mind. If only you knew if you could afford it this week… if only… if only the Wesleying editors had remembered… 

But none of that’s going to happen because we did remember. You can calculate exactly how many points and meals you can spend each day for the rest of the semester by going to the link at the top of the website. You’re welcome.